I hate titling posts

Another day, another normal day. So I'll be up in Kitchener tomorrow (so please, if you can avoid it, try to avoid calling me, I pay a lot for long distance calling) for the reunion. I have no clue what its going to be like, not a clue what to expect, but I'm going to expect a lot of randomly wandering around trying to find people. How we're going to get to meeting everyone? I don't know, I don't even know what most of the people there look like, let alone anything else. Oh well, we'll see how things work out.

Seth went well, we popped *another* pgen, Raja got it this time. Got a set though, so I'm happy, and atleast that sets me up for a chance at a bliv. Anyways, not sure if I'll make Corst this saturday yet, who knows? I'm not even sure if I'll be at seth tomorrow morning. Probably not though, I should sleep in some while I get the chance to.

I often find myself questioning society's "morales" and whether they are actually morally correct for "most" people or if its simply an impossible standard set by the church that people are not willing to lose because they are scared that they will have no identify if no one is there to tell them what to do? What exactly IS identify? Does it even exist anymore? Are we who we really are or are we simply manifestations of the generic archetype - formed from the same mould, twisted and bent to the whim of another?

I believe a quote from the song Archetype by Fear Factory is in order here:
"You must never forget, the essence of your spark, all of that which defines you, is the essence of your blood, the infection has been removed, the soul of this machine has improved..."
I think that the lyric really speaks for itself. How many people honestly can say with certain who they are? Can they even give a definite answer of any sort to that question? "Who are you?" that's a question many people can not answer with certainty. Is there even anyway to define who a person is? Maybe there is, maybe there isn't and being able to come to terms not only with that which you excel at but also with your flaws and weaknesses, is what seperates people who know who they are from those that don't.

I am a violent bastard. An asshole, a friend, a lover, and countless other things people call me. All of which are true at some point or another. I'm a hypocrite, I'm a liar, I'm everything you hate and everything you love. But I will be straight up and at the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror and say just who I am, good or bad. Can you do the same?



~Damon

Corst

Corst went well, people kept fleeing, but it went ok otherwise, 7 kills (we COULD have gotten 8 or 9 if people just followed instructions properly). Anyways, these corst sets are fucking heavy, I'm at +600 weight or something right now from corst sets. Nothing else much to write atm, just another update (this will only mean something to those who know what RoD is).


~Damon

the human race

Human beings are such stupid creatures. As I pass the days, I wonder where the intelligence and of the general populace has gone. Are we so used to the convenience of having everything done for us and having machines automate 90% of our tasks that we are in capable of doing things ourselves? Have we degraded ourselves to the point where we are incapable of putting in even a little bit more effort to complete a task and have to ask someone else to do it for us?

Each day, my contempt for the general populace sinks even lower. I find myself wanting to hurt and kill more and more people. Perhaps if an example is made of some, then others will learn from their mistakes and follow suite; but it appears as if that will never happen.

Ahh, the semicolon, good ol' semicolon, how often are you used improperly? I mean, I'm not even sure I use the semicolon properly sometimes, and yet, you get illiterate imbeciles who use the semicolon as if it was a period because they think it 'looks good' when it really makes whatever they are worse. Often times, the semicolon usage of people makes me cringe and get it removed from the english language.

I digress as per usual though. What has suddenly re-sparked my complaints about the general population? Just the usual really. People are so full of themselves now, they feel that they can be as rude and impetious to everyone and still get the respect they feel they deserve when all they are doing is making themselves look like bigger and bigger retards. Most do it to get into a pissing contest so they can try to assert that they themselves are better than someone else in some way or another, yet, I find no point in stooping to their level in the first place, nor should anyone with any form of self respect.

Perhaps I am overreacting, and perhaps I'm not, but the stupidity of the human race is one dilineating factor that seperates it from all other species. People like to think that the human race is smarter than every other animal, yet, I feel that the human race is the epitome of stupidity in the animal kingdom. You're welcome to argue the point with me, but I have reason enough to say the human race is stupid. Do you have enough reasons to prove me wrong?



~Damon

omg..RAVEN GUARD

Ok, wow...this is just kinda funny, yesterday we popped a pgen and today I threw one set to Ravenhill with Aiden and got a Guard, gave him the items in the order of: Shroud, Bane, Whispers and popped a Guard off him. I'll have to try with different characters next time.

It is a level 50 armor, weight 1.
Locations it can be worn: wrist
Special properties: magic metal
This armor has a gold value of 0.
Armor class is 15 of 15.
Affects damage roll by 3.
Affects hit roll by 3.
Affects hp by 25.
Affects dexterity by 1.


Anyways, that's all, just wanted to put that down somewhere!




~Damon

Genesis!

PGEN! ok, so maybe that wasn't worth the post, but whatever, felt like posting it anyways!

just another day

Well, today had some point to it I suppose, but for the most part, it was pointless. They were doing fire alarm inspections today so I had to stick around until they had gotten to us and were finished. So waited all morning, and early afternoon until they finally came. Now, they started from the top instead of the bottom, which was definitely a godsend because else I think my ears would've bled to death. Everytime they tested an alarm, a screech would appear over the PA. Anyways, by the time they got to us, it was about 2pm and I couldn't head to the bank anymore so I just made lunch and was done with.

Dad gave me a webcam today so I was messing around with that a bit, they really are quite funny to have, lots you can do I suppose. Not to mention the fact that I now have a USB hub and a wireless mouse to boot so should I ever need to, the options are always there. I suppose I can always try and take 'pictures' with the webcam...yes, those kinds of pictures, but who would want to see them anyways? Anyways, I suppose I could get them if anyone wanted 'em, but hey, atleast I have some way of getting a quick photo of myself if need be. Webcam MSN works fine with 6.2 so all is good (and what was the suggestion of using a webcam to chat naked with the girlfriend?). Anyways, if anyone wants REGULAR photo's of me, fine, just bug me for 'em.

Dressing an evil ranger and an evil vamp are going to be more work than I bargained for. I need satan gear to use my evil vamp for satan because his base hp sucks ass. 683 is just pitiful. Mandor went well, I almost scrapped, but I didn't, so all is good. Maybe we'll do another run tonight, and it looks like I'll be joining Hunters once I can find Merf (I think I've proven myself and they're giving me the free pass, I just have to lead a run that gives rqp now). Of course, they want a corst run set up at some point, so we're going to work on that too, get a solid corst run going. I keep having these annoying discussions with people about working up and how you can't just jump to the top of the ladder, and how you can't buy and gold your way to the top, but it seems like they just won't listen. Oh well.

Heading over to the bank tomorrow, probably gonna go down to the university as well, do 2 things and get them out of the way.

Anyways, nothing really to post, just felt like keeping things up-to-date.



~Damon
I love you Amy...and I miss you....

Fucking moronic leaders

OK! Its no secret that I HATE both our guild first and second, I know that they don't like me, but what kinda leader starts abusing the fact that he IS a leader? Is that what makes a good leader? Fuck no. Norry's a good leader, Gelroos and Hordiki are both whiney bitches. Huge difference. Hey, I wouldn't be surprised if it was either of them that stole eq from donations to put on non-guilded alts, but what do I know? I don't have the logs from Callaloo.
They say the best leaders are those who lead rather than worry about those they are leading.

Hordiki tells you 'anyway i think this need to end now do you understand'
You tell Hordiki 'as you say'
Hordiki tells you 'i will take that as a yes and don't repsond cocky to me i am a leader as you said even if i am not leading in your eyes'
You tell Hordiki 'I'm not responding cocky, I'm simply stating, it ends here, done,

That's just pathetic. Instead of a leader trying to work out differences, and try to actually LISTEN to people, he just assumes he's right and tries to abuse his status as a leader. I've said it before, if Norelle steps down, I'm either going to get OC'd, or I'm going to just not log the character. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they decided to outcast me out of whim, hey, not like I'd care, but if they do, I'm going public about their incompetence as leaders and such.

He claims that he doesn't talk down to people? he says that I'm the one that does it? Hell, I do do it...but I'll admit it, and I try to make sure I don't do it often. Maybe instead of worrying about what other people do, they should worry about themselves. If multiple people are claiming the same thing, is it simply a dislike from one individual to another, or is there really some substance behind it? It's time Hordiki and Gelroos start listening isntead of trying to push responsibility. If people complain, there's a reason for it. And when leading a run, make sure to remind people of simple things that are easy to forget and making sure that they know exactly what to do is not talking to people like they know nothing. Its called being a run leader. Maybe instead of criticizing others about it, they should just go fucking lead a run already, post some quests for the guild., do something other than sit on their asses on all day on ALTS and never do anything with the guild.


Hey Hordi, Gel: Outcast me because you don't like me? Go ahead. I'll make sure you regret it.

.....

Oh, the joys of dealing with family based shit. I'm thoroughly sick and tired of trying to pretend and put up with my parents. All the lying, all the criticizing, all the unspoken expectations, I hate them all. Hatehatehatehatehate. I'm so tired of it all, I'm so tired I can't even pretend not to be tired. It's not even a case of caring or not caring anymore, so much shit to put up with, so much fucking bullshit to put up with that I don't give a damn what happens.

What prompted that rant? My dad's going to be back today. I know damn well what's going to happen. They're going to criticize and bitch and whine and moan about everything I do for the entirety of the 2 or however many weeks he's here for. I hope they go on vacation and leave the house to myself, I don't want to see either of them. I wish they would just leave me alone already. I'm ranting and I haven't seen him yet. Am I really harbouring that much hate? that much contempt? Perhaps. I don't know for certain, what I do know for certain is that I hate them because they're so...set in their ways. I refuse to conform to so-and-so a tradition or so-and-so a lifestyle just because they want me to. It pisses me off to no extent when they act so self-righteous about being pain in the asses about everything and all the unspoken expectations of doing this and that, and being this and that.

I think even my playlist agrees with me, its played the following songs in a row:
Simple Plan - Perfect
Hoobastank - Remember Me
Three Days Grace - I hate everything about you
Godsmack - Whatever
Linkin Park - One Step Closer
Fear Factory - Strain vs. Resistance

I love my playlist. Its so good at matching my moods and rants. The long days and hours spent composing are not lost on me either. I think I'm getting better at making statements with my music which is always a plus. I'd prefer not writing music that's hollow and meaningless. I suppose that's what I'm going to be doing even more of since I can't stand spending time with my parents and I'm going to be expected to. Whatever. I'll survive. Which reminds me I need to sumit the CST form sometime soon. I suppose I'll just do that this week to spend less time with them.

Here's another song:


Excess Baggage


Bogged down, by the weight
Of a hundred million thing I should have said
Instead of saying nothing
Instead of leaving you to guess
The things that hide within my body and mind
You don't deserve it
The pain from secrets kept inside

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Watching, waiting
For this pain inside my head and chest to fade
Until it's all but nothing
Until there's nothing left to guess
And leave it all out on the table today
You don't deserve it
The pain from secrets kept away

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Unresolved, all the issues from the past
Unresolved, all the pain that courses through these veins
You don't deserve it...

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Bogged down, by the weight
Of a hundred million things I should have said
Instead of saying noting
Instead of leaving you to guess

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Coundn't figure out which words you want to hear
Can't think of what to do from behind the screen
When evenwords betray me now
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
When even words betray me now



There. I have often said that music is my only form of expression. Perhaps that's because I can think of how I want to say things before I say them that way. Which means that it will usually take me 2 or 3 days to say something because I can't figure out just what it is that I want to say or what it is that I have to say (and I'm sorry if that upsets you...), but everyone has to communicate one way or the other. I think my music says it all, and anyone that can't think enough to understand one of the many ways its possible to take each song doesn't deserve having one way explained to them. Its one thing to be "smart" at memorizing all that classroom shit they throw at you in high school. A 99.9% average doesn't mean jack shit if you got it by memorizing.

I have never envied those people who got 99% averags doing maths and sciences. Ever. Science is not my strong point, it never has been. I'm good at some maths, horrible at others. Everyone's the same. My strengths lie elsewhere. I'm a writer, singer, listener and thinker. I hate maths, I hate sciences, I hate anything that's closed minded and without freedom of thought, or freedom of expression. Perhaps thats why I hate it so much at home.

Time for a change? yes. Is it feasible? not yet....



~Damon

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cause we lost it all
Nothing last forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect....



yeah, I know...but its just so fitting...

stupid fucking OHIP and optometrist booking times

Well, today was a very much nonday. Ok, there was some good but it was mostly stupid and pointless. To review:

I had an optometrists appointment scheduled for today at 10, I figured that it was still covered by OHIP. Turns out that because I was 20 as of last week, I have to PAY for the appointment because OHIP covers it for adults every 2 years starting AT The age of 19. So now, I got the appointment pushed back to September 9th at 2:30pm and its costing me $89. This is where I consult the university's medical insurance and get coverage for the appointment instead of paying it in cash. What a pain in the ass. Also had vietnamese noodles for lunch so that was a nice change from the norm.

The rest of the day has had relatively no point so far...played some MvC: 2 at Fairview, wanted to practice with my 'DD' team (Morrigan, Sakura, Cammy. If you can't see why I call it my 'DD' team, take a closer look), except the guy kept picking Magneto so I had no choice but to pull out Psylocke, T. Bonne and Jin. Beat him 7 times in a row before I stopped trying and just let him win. Ran into Hanna on the way, so we took a peek at the pet shop...there's this absolutely adorable kitten there that's selling for $99.99. I want it, but I don't have the upfront cash =\ (It looks like Isis, must be the same breed).

Finished Front Mission, the final fight was anticlimatic, I had access to up to 17 wanzers against their...10. You'd think that after being used to fighting 11 on 20, they'd put up better odds...the fight was just too easy. I hate it when video games have anticlimatic endings. Take Ultemecia and Omega Weapon from FF8 (a game I absolutely abhor by the way), 2 incredibly easy bosses - the random encounters were harder!

Picked up a copy of Fear Factory's album Archetype. I've found that Fear Factory has some very very good lyrics to their music, I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. Here's a tidbit from the song Cyberwaste:
"Assume that you know my thoughts, all I want to do is see, Infect me with your disease, Tapping away on the keys, Change your face in front of me, safe behind the cyber screen, wishing that you knew the truth, all I know is what I read..."
I've picked up both of Fear Factory's last 2 albums and they have both been incredible. Their lyrics always make a statement, always have a point, and are never pointless dribble (that one's pretty obvious, but some of 'em are quite difficult to tell exactly what they are talking about, great songs to try to analyze). Anyways, even if you don't like the music, I would *very very strongly* recommend you pick up the albums Digimortal and Archetype by Fear Factory, they offer some very interesting insights about society and people.

Midway was open today for Inconnu so that was nice, got myself a magicians hat, some face paints and a dicing cup with 2 dice. It was a way to kill some time. Looks like everyone likes the idea of the guild runs I'm going to be leading...WITH THE EXCEPTION OF HORDIKI...And he's guild second. Do you see something wrong with this picture?

Anyways, I will stop ranting because my mind doesn't know what to say.


~Damon
If someone sounds like they are enjoying themselves, don't let your grey clouds roll over them

and another few days have passed....

ok, so I said I was going to post later that day, I didn't end up posting later that day, but I'm posting now!

mmm....Stabbing Westward first thing in the morning, definitely something to wake up to..."What do I have to do, to make you happy, what do I have to do, to make you understand..." Come to think of it, that makes a good MSN handle so I'll go change it right now. There, slightly different 'quote of the day' as it was so termed.

So Tim and myself spent yesterday with Johnny and Leah...that was fun, lotta walking and chatting from around noon to just past 11:30 when I left. It's always nice to see friends you don't see much of, they've got a cozy little place and 2 really cute cats (Isis and Pikachu). They were both so small! There's nothing wrong with that really, I'm just used to being around bigger cats (Quiz mostly), hopefully I don't smell too much like cat.

Hrm....which reminds me I should try to find a copy of Firefox at some point (for those of you who don't know, its a linux platform web browser) and see if its available for windows, I want to uninstall IE from my laptop and put on Firefox, then put on say....AVG instead of norton. All the comforts of non-standard windows based programs, that are all better than the commercial product out on the market. I hate how microsoft and all the software giants have monopolized the market so tightly. It's difficult to find good products on the market that aren't part of the major software chains because they get buried underneath everything and eventually all you see is the inferior microsoft product advertised.

Been doing some more composing, between my last post and this post, I've written a song and a half, I'll post the completed one here:



Alone


I thought I found the answers
But it seems like there were just too many questions
To ask
To think about --
How, we ended up this way (with nothing left to say)
I don't know what is left for me to do

To stop feeling so alone
And do all the things you're expecting of me
Will you be there to help me breathe?

Lying behind each question
There were questins to each answer that was given
Each smile
Each memory --
Lost, while we're so far away (with nothing left to say)
I need you now to tell me what to do

To stop feeling so alone
And do all the things you're expecting of me
Will you be there to help me breathe?

Take away the pain
But the scars will last forever
We're lost without a trace
In this sea of time - eternity
But you feel so far away
When I reach out for you now
I need you here beside me
Don't wanna be alone without you now

I thought you'd always be there
But it seems like I was blinded by the laughter
So fake
So horribly --
True, I'm nothing now today (with nothing left to say)
Tell me what it is I have to do

To stop feeling so alone
And do all the things you're expecting of me
Will you be there to help me breathe?

Take away the pain
But the scars will last forever
We're lost without a trace
In this sea of time - eternity
But you feel so far away
When I reach out for you now
I need you here beside me
Don't wanna be alone without you now

A hidden retreat, into the depths of myself
Like shadows hiding, alone again

Take away the pain
But the scars will last forever
We're lost without a trace
In this sea of time - eternity
But you feel so far away
When I reach out for you now
I need you here beside me

To stop feeling so alone
And do all the things you're expecting of me
Will you be there to help me breath?

Take away the pain
But the scars will last forever
We're lost without a trace
In this sea of time - eternity
But you feel so far away
When I reach out for you now
I need you here beside me
Don't wanna be alone without you now
To stop feeling so alone



Next one's called excess baggage, I won't post that until I'm done though. I think I've been playing way too much Front Mission. I'm at the point where I need over 100K to upgrade all my wanzers at once, fortunately, you get equally as much per mission so all is good.

Optometrist appointment tomorrow afternoon at 1, so I'll probably end up seeing the family doctor in the morning before I head up there (I've got various health issues that i have to get checked out, but I'm a fighter so I try to let my body fight things off itself first). Atleast the bus ride is a good time to read or compose, which reminds me, I still need a copy of the devil's notebook, if anyone sees it anywhere could they *please* pick me up a copy and give me the bill so I can pay you back? Thanks.

Picked up a copy of not only the Dark Elf Trilogy (homeland, exile, sojurn) by R.A. Salvatore, but also managed to find a copy of Geomancer by Ian Irvine. All of 'em are good reads so if you get a chance to, I would highly recommend it. The Dark Elf Trilogy is about a dark elf (go figure eh?) called Drizzt and his escape from his home, and Geomancer is another one of those apocolypse themed stories (personally, I think Geomancer would've been less deceiving if it was in the sci-fi section, but since its sci-fi/fantasy, I suppose it can be forgiven).

So anyways, I'm running out of things to write, so I'm going to go back to playing a bit of Front Mission again (I'm horrible, I know).



~Damon
I miss you Amy...

yay, 20

Ok, so I'm 20...yes, I realize my birthday was yesterday, not today, but I wasn't home all day yesterday so all was well. Saw King Arthur with Amy, it had absolutely NO plot to it (I mean, I could have told you that from the previews, but I wanted to see it anyways), but as far as plotless movies went it wasn't half bad. Keira Knightly (sp?) can NOT act. She doesn't even know how to do fake tears! (that one scene where she's supposed to be crying or so it appears, but all she can muster is a trickle out of the corner of her eye). Its like I said, the one thing Keira Knightly (sp?) can do: act like a slut and look pretty.

For the record, scottish people are very strange sometimes. Anyways, that aside done, I'm reminded that I need to finish a blackrose rotation as well as a nightmare rotation. I was just reminded of this (go moss and your memory, I remembered, but I'm out a lot ;)). Hrm...my playlist seems to like the depressive music, but then again, almost all the music on it is like that. 5 Stabbing Westward songs, 2 Hoobastank songs...mmm, the source of all my musical influence.

Anyways, heading on out, another update later tonight.

Liar

I don't know what else to title this post, so I'm titling it the name of my new song:


Liar


What's the truth?
What's a lie?
What the fuck is left inside?
When you don't even know what is real
False pretenses
Never ending
Are you ever satisfied?
Or is it all just another illusion?

Who's a liar?
What's a liar?
Do you even know that...

Nothing but a lie
Nothing but a fake
Nothing more than --
Someone to be hated for
Someone just like you
Someone far away
And the liar still remains

What's inside?
Just a mask
What the fuck is left to hide?
When you can't even see what's in front of you?
Self-control
Always fading
Watch you take it all away
But is it really ever enough for you?

Who's a liar?
What's a liar?
Do you even know that...

Nothing but a lie
Nothing but a fake
Nothing more than --
Someone to be hated for
Someone just like you
Someone far away
And the liar still remains
He still remains
Remains...

Don't lie,
The truth is white against black
Don't lie,
You know you can't really fight back
Don't lie,
You know you can't think straight
Don't lie,
The liar still remains

Don't lie,
The liar still remains
Don't lie,
The liar still remains
Don't lie,
The liar still remains
Don't lie,
The liar still remains

Nothing but a lie
Nothing but a fake
Nothing more than --
Someone to be hated for
Someone just like you
Someone far away
And the liar still remains

Nothing but a lie
Nothing but a fake
Nothing more than --
Someone to be hated for
Someone just like you
Someone far away
Nothing but the truth
Nothing left to say
And the liar still remains
Still remains...



People sometimes ask me why all my songs have to be depressive, sad and angry. To all you people who pose this question to me, may you never live the life I live and may you NEVER have to go through and put up with everything that I have and still do.

Life's a bitch and then you die. A funny phrase, in the end, we're all glad we lived. Whether or not you realize it, everyone's glad they lived. Why do I write some of the songs I write? Maybe its a way for me to deal with and understand myself better. Maybe its a way to lash out at people indirectly. Maybe its a way to express thoughts and feelings through a medium that has always been there for me through the years, music. Maybe I finally have the courage to admit to myself who I really am. So many possibilities, so many ways one can interpret things. Music, poetry, writing. There is no definite, there is only the colour and the picture. Everything is in theory, nothing is for certain.

People who think they know me generally are the ones that don't really know me. Who am I and what have I become? I don't know. Maybe I am just a liar in the end. Can you forgive me then? I'm never sure whether to believe what I'm told over and over again, or whether I should just trust my instincts. Things are sometimes true when everyone says they are, but most things are simple fabrications and lies that people subconsciously do for whatever reason they see fit. No one can define who you are for you. You can only define yourself. If you're falling back on other people's definitions of you, maybe you need to look long and hard and see if you can see what you've really lost, and what you still have to gain.

"Because in the end, everything we are, is just everything we say and everything we do."

(Oh, yeah, before I forget, fuck you mom and dad)