Sunday, January 30, 2005

So behold the birth of the wicked child

Everyday pushes me closer and closer to the edge. I can't relax, I can't think, I can't even focus, and yet, somehow I've still managed to hang on to what little control is left. That dream told me just how close I am to completely losing it, to unleashing the beast and the insanity within. It could've been saying other things too, it could've been my mind playing tricks on me. I don't know, maybe another reaction is what I need to be able to sort it out. I've been feeling vaguely murdurous for a while now, and I felt numb at best yesterday. Trying harder not to be only seemed to make the problem worse and only seemed to make me worse. I don't have many recollections of last night. In fact, I don't recall anything. I remember having family dinner, about halfway through that, I remember nothing else that happened until this morning. Fantastic huh? Maybe. Everything's a blur now, I finished editing the document because that's the last thing I really recall doing.

Stepping outside my body to escape from this reality
I feel the animosity flowing through my veins
The thing I am, the thing you hate in me
Holding on to what I have left, as the beast now takes me whole
Hide behind the demon inside, and watch them run away
Silence in the darkness, cold now from the warmth
This veil of shadows is my essence flowing from the north
Liked for what they only see, hated for what I am
Give rise now to the beast inside, and watch them run and hide


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

And the beast screams from the inside...

Even longer since my last post than my previous one before that. Had the ultrasound on my stomach yesterday, they didn't find anything wrong with the stomach from the ultrasound, but they wanted to do some more tests anyways, so now I have to wait a month for those results again, damned things. I swear, having to constantly book and re-book appointments at the hospital is annoying, they always pick the worst times for everything and then change things at the last possible minute. Yes, changing the ultrasound sound time from 1:30 to 9 was something I really wanted, instead of being able to sleep for that extra 2 hours, I had to get up early and go to the hospital. On the flip side, instead of waiting absurdly long lines for everything to finish, I was out of there in about 2 hours after running around to different floors over and over. Any later, and I think I would've had to wait for 5 hours for everything to be done because of lines. Atleast it was getting multiple tasks out of the way at once. Booked an appointment with the psychiatrist for this Thursday at 10:45 (I know, I have to wake up again, the horror), that's one of the good things about being so close to the hospital at any given point in time, I can always run up there to make appointments instead of having to use the phone. I hate phones, they're so impersonal, but they have their uses so it's fine.

It's not only been a while since I've posted here, but it's been a while since I've written anything in my book and it's been a while since written a song. The words are there, but the music isn't. So now I write, I can't say all the things that've been on my mind anyways, so why not? I can atleast put some of it on paper instead of letting it stay inside. The eyes are everywhere, but right now, I just don't give a fuck. They can glare at me all they want, it doesn't matter to me at the moment. Nobody will ever understand the scars. It's not like they ever stay closed. Every scar opens at some point and someone is always holding the salt shaker. Yes I'm bitter. So big fucking deal. The more I write, the more I feel a song coming into my mind. The more I think about it, the more the music is coming to me. Maybe I'll write it if enough of it decides to let me know what it is.

I love how my stomach decides that if there's no contents in it to throw up, it will try to force itself up my throat and out my body instead. That would be a rather amusing sight, a person with a stomach dangling from their mouth while it's still attached to them. The mental image is rather fun, I should try it out something and see what it really looks like. As I continue to reflect on what's happened since I last posted or wrote something, the more I realize that it will only be a matter of time before the insanity takes over. It has already begun and only time will tell when it is complete. The greater the pain, the closer it feels. The better it feels. Ecstacy in suffering, pleasure from pain. Take all your anger out on me, make me bleed. Rape me, kiss me, kill me.


Sunday, January 16, 2005

Nightmares Unleashed

10 days. I'm getting lax again, then again, I've been doing a lot of writing in my book and not here, so maybe I have, but maybe not. I finally picked up Days of Purgatory, double disc ed. and that will make every single Iced Earth album in my possession. Yes, I know, I'm a freak, but hey, everyone has something right? Mine just happens to be CDs, so sue me. Well, ok, in fairness, I don't just collect CDs, but that's not the point, it's one of the things I collect.

Why is it that I have to repeat everything 50 times before it's heard a single time? I'm sick and tired of having to talk and try to explain everything that's so self-explanatory but people are too stupid to try to figure out what happens on their own. People keep asking me things that they'd be able to figure out on their own if they just think about it for just another few minutes on their own. Why is it that people even bother asking me questions if they aren't going to believe the fucking truth? I've always been very straightforward with my answers but if people don't believe me, what's the point of me even talking about this stuff in the first place? Clubs? What the fuck? I'm a fucking psychopath. Do you think clubs are the first thing on my mind? Clubs are the last fucking thing on my mind right now. Amy, staying alive, school, that's what my priorities are. Very straightforward, very simple. I'll put some emphasis on the staying alive one because it's hard enough to do that, let alone this, that and the other that people say is so important to do this that and the other.

Since when have I never been self-sufficient? I've taken care of myself and struggled to survive every single day of my life. You people think it's easy to survive? Take a step my shoes and you'll see that all this minor shit is the last thing on my mind. You wouldn't ever understand this stuff because you've never had to go through this stuff yourself. It's one thing when people are atleast willing to listen to people, it's another thing when they don't know anything and think that they're right in every single regards of anything that they're talking about and doing when they don't know anything about what they're talking. I really hate how some people assume that just because they're older than others, they're right. Well, sorry to burst your bubble but age means jack shit to me when it comes to respec. You have to earn my respect, not just expect me to give it to you just because you're so-and-so, or think you deserve this, that, and the other because of some fancy contrived title you give yourself. Hell, why do you think I hate in this infested pit I have to call "home" for now?

They call me unstable. I tried to play peacemaker once, I'm not doing it ever again. I tried being nice. The result? I get screamed at some more. So I'm just not doing it now. I'm sick and tired of always being the "nice" guy. I'm only nice to those people who deserve it and to those who actually matter to me. Everyone else can go rot away and I couldn't really care less. Wanna whine and bitch at me about how I'm an only child and how you and dad aren't going to be around later to watch out for me? I've had to watch out for myself my entire life. Stating the obvious and what has already come to pass only adds more fuel to the fire.

Before I go off the deep end with my rants, I'm going to post a new magic deck while I get control of myself again:

Nightmares Unleashed

Utility (10):
4x Sol Ring
4x Duress
2x City of Solitude

Search (8):
3x Entomb
2x Buried Alive
3x Demonic Tutor

Creatures (16):
1x Iname, Death Aspect
3x Ravenous Rats
2x Eternal Witness
1x Nekrataal
1x Veridian Shaman
1x Cloudchaser Eagle
2x Yosei, the morning star
3x Kurosei, the evening star
1x Keiga, the tide star
1x Ryusei, the falling star

Unleash the Nightmare (5):
3x Recurring Nightmare
2x Living Death

Land (21):
1x Boseiju, who shelters all
4x Bayou
4x Scrubland
4x Savannah
1x City of Brass
1x Phyrexian Tower
1x Plateau
1x Badlands
1x Underground Sea
1x Tropical Island
2x Windsweapt Heathe

1x Entomb
2x Buried Alive
3x Boseiju, who shelters all
1x Kurosei, the evening star
1x Yosei, the morning star
3x Sacred Ground
2x Abeyance
2x Circle of Protection: Red

There, nightmares unleashed in it's beta form. I'll work something out better once I get some playtesting done.


Thursday, January 06, 2005

I never said I was worth it, just difficult.

And people wonder why I don't like complaining. Time and time again, the few times I see fit to complain, people get on my case for complaining. Even if I'm not complaining and am just slightly irked by something, then it's assumed to be complaining. No pain, no gain; such has always been the case. Obviously, since no one wants to hear them, I shall keep my "complaints" to myself. Instead of "complaining" about life, I shall simply post my thoughts then. I know fucking well that's not healthy for me. Right about now, I don't give a fuck either. I'm great at posting when I'm pissed off, it seems to trigger my mind, gives me fuel to add to the fire always. Not that there isn't enough to fuel the fire already, but I figure that a little more wouldn't hurt.

Everyday, my contempt for human life grows. It would be fun to just simply lose control. I could see myself doing that and shedding much blood. People are so slow. Not that this is anything new to me, in fact, it's something that living in Toronto has gotten me used to. Lots of people who meander and look around aimlessly trying to figure out where to go while standing in the middle of the top of a crowded stairway during rush hour. But wait, me saying people are slow will be taken as a complaint, so I must rephrase that slightly. The average person is a moron who deserves to die because of the fact that he or she is a slow and stupid fuckhead. There, it is no longer a "complaint", but a statement of fact as I perceive it about people. I don't think I have ever retorted to a complaint from another without very good grounds for it. But obviously, the way I say whatever it is that I'm trying to say isn't good enough to be said as I am prone to say it, so I must come up with different manners of expressing the thoughts in my mind instead.

My day? Good question. What a pointless waste of time it was. Find out that this mornings class is a lab instead of a lecture, good to know that now instead of having it on our schedule, great work there Ryerson. Yes, there was panic for no reason this morning, hence the first class today was cancelled because we don't have labs in the first week of classes. Only other class today was from 2-3, Introduction to Computational Theory. The math of computers basically. Did some basics, such as how a string is simply a concatenation of ASCII characters, and how the NULL character does not altar a string or set. Ironically, the prerequisite for this class was Discreet Mathematics and the part of that class that is the review for this one is the section that we spent the least time on. Set theory, fantastic, I can hardly wait. Yes, that was noted sarcasm, although you may not be able to detect it in my voice at the moment seeing as how you would be reading this and not hearing the thoughts as they go through my mind. Perhaps the sarcasm can be noted in the way I write, perhaps not, I will never know since when I read what I write, I read it as I know my mind would say it at me.

Trying to learn the words to "Hold At All Costs" is proving more difficult than I first thought, Perhaps it is because I'm not really focused. No big deal, I'll learn them eventually. I have to say that I like the orchestral aspect to the Gettysburg Trio on "The Glorious Burden", the way the songs are put together is nice. But then again, I like how most Iced Earth songs are put together orchestrally and lyrically. I'll eventually learn these songs like I have all the rest, it just might take a bit longer. Perhaps I should focus more on learning these songs than letting my mind do it's thing. That might help. Except since I'm obviously not capable of quietting my mind at the moment, I shall let it do it's thing instead, since that is probably healthiest for it at the moment.

Or not, as the case may be. Regardless of whether or not it's good for me, that's what my mind feels like doing at the moment, soI shall let it ramble and write on. I need to get myself a shooting range at some point. It would be nice to be able to squeeze off a few rounds when I feel the need to. Yes, I realize I have a lot of issues and problems. Frankly, that's fine with me. Actions speak louder than words. Why did I just delete that paragraph? I don't know. I think because I'm getting sick and tired of all this shit. I help? I help piss you off. That's what I do. That's what I always do, I go around pissing people off because they take offense to the way I am, the way I choose to present myself, the way I choose to think, the things I say, the things I do. Obviously, I'm not good enough for anybody, so perhaps it may be best if I just went and faded away once again.

I never said I was worth it, just that I was difficult.

no matter how much you scream and tear at me, I will always love you. If I've done something wrong, then just tell me what it is so I can try to make it right

Sunday, January 02, 2005

I'm getting annoyed at trying to title these

I oftentimes wonder how long I can keep the facade up for. I wonder how long this solid stone image will hold up before I get sick of not letting it drop and finally just let it go, to let loose the beast within to shed the blood of 20 years of hatred and pain. What else would you expect? I'm not some happy-go-lucky-everybody-loving fuckhead. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I suppose the term "hate monger" would be somewhat accurate in describing my disposition, but nonetheless, if people still haven't been able to figure it out, I won't go out of my way to point it out. Funny how people still think I'm doing alright and that nothing's wrong with me, they'll be glad they don't live my life.

Time and time again, I've shown that I'm not, and my lyrics aren't ever "just" lyrics, but still, people seem to think otherwise. It's funny how you can tell someone something straight up and they always think you mean something else with it. May you'll try to tell me that there's something wrong with me, maybe you'll want to tell me specifically what's wrong with me instead, then by all means, go right ahead. I'm not going to stop you either way, so feel free to do as you will. Do to me as you see fit, regardless of what it is and whether or not I "deserve" it. They say there's always push and pull in everything, and if there was no initial pull to the push, then it will all come back at once later.

Why should I bother trying to stay in control of myself? Should I try to read everybody's mind and try to figure out what exactly it is that they want and do it without them asking? It's been expected of me time and time again, so should I not, on some level, feel compelled to do it? To be honest, there once was a time when I would've said yes, but now, I'm far too tired and scarred to want to try to anticipate the expectations. In fact, I don't even care enough to fulfill people's expectations of me. If me trying isn't good enough, then obviously, the result isn't either. Why should I try so hard for everybody when no one ever appreciates whatever it is that I do? If I should spill every drop of blood in me, would it be enough to satisfy everybody?
Who would be happy? Who wouldn't? Who still even reads this? It's not as if my thoughts matter all that much anyways. So I could keep it all to myself, or I could post it where people can read it. Obviously, I've opted for the latter, perhaps to keep it from eating me up even more than it already does.

I don't like posting my daily or weekly activities. Why? I don't feel it's relevant. One could argue all day how it is or isn't relevant, the bottom line is that it doesn't matter when I'm spewing random shit out from my brain. Or perhaps it isn't so random. Depends who you ask I suppose.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright is either a daring adventure or nothing."
- Hellen Keller

I know, I'm random with my thoughts. Whatever, doesn't matter, a thought is a thought. Am I expected to apologize for thinking now? Or should I keep that to myself too? What do you people exactly want from me? Tell me your every expectation and what you think of me. I'd rather know exactly than not.