Thursday, July 28, 2005

All I want...

Headache gone. Mostly. It's a dull throb now. Ate a bit, don't feel much better now than I did say...oh, yesterday? That's in the general sense anyways, atleast I'm not falling every few minutes. I've rested more in past 2 days than I have over the course of the past 2 weeks. Everything's trying so hard to shatter me into too many pieces to find. I can't begin to describe how poorly my physical health has continually deteriorated as the days have gone on. My mental health isn't anywhere near stable, suicide isn't the answer, no matter how much my mind would like to insist it is (it's pretty bad when I can't even take being snarled it). And it feels like I'm losing the only person I ever really loved. What else could go wrong? Don't answer that, because I'm sure there are an infinite number of other things that could go wrong.
I've well surpassed what should be my breaking point, so how is it that I'm still in one piece? How is it that I've still managed to keep myself from shattering through all this? I don't know. I just don't know, and what would happen if I did? I know exactly what my mind would do at that point, and I know I'd follow it if that ever happened. Day after day, my whole life's a wreck, the powers that be just breath down my neck, get no respect, get no relief, gotta speak up and yell out my peace...

But how?

I love you, I miss you..gawd I miss you so much...and I'm so sorry, but I guess sometimes sorry just isn't enough though is it..?

Back from the doctor's...

I know, I don't usually do multiple posts in a day, but meh..I was just given a different set of PPI's to take, as well as a different kind of antacid (liquid form). They're going to do a stool test to see if there's anything wrong with my intestinal tract (accounting for the throwing up).

I wasn't upset because you were fussing at me, I got upset because you were taking things out on me and I couldn't deal with it then


Bear with me a bit, I'm really bad with doing notes, and these ones aren't easy. I'm leaving the GoR. I can draw it out any number of ways, but I figure it's best of I just get that out, else I'll never say it and this note will just be confusing at best (not that it's not going to be anyways). I've done a lot of thinking on this matter, trying to tie up any loose ends that have yet to be done, and a few other things.
My decision is based more for RL reasons than anything else. In short, RL right now is very complicated. That's not all there is to it, but that's a lot of it. GoR has been like a home to me for the past 3 years, and you have all been very dear to me, but alas, the time for me has come. I realize that I have not necessarily been able to fulfill my duties as Lead Huntmaster and I apologize for that, but I hope the times that I have been able to were fun for everyone.
Through all the ups and downs, I have enjoyed my time as a ranger, and I want to take this chance right now to thank each and every one of you for making me want to keep on playing in the first place. I'm not leaving realms, and I will be around. You all know how to get a hold of me if you want. If you want a more detailed explanation of my reasons why, you can always bug me sometime about it.
Thank you all for the times and memories these past 3 years. I will miss you all.


Written and posted on the ranger main board..I'm going back to bed. Doctor's in 2 hours and I have a splitting headache. So many memories, especially in this CD..listening to music in bed and reading, yay..Maybe I could go outside and lie in the grass again, that was nice and relaxing.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Facing Right Posted by Picasa

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Live and let die.

Well, so I did some testing with some of the magenta and orange ink and had some very interesting results. When I did the magenta ink over blood red dried brush over black, it darkened the red. I'm not really sure why, if it's magenta, you'd figure it would lighten up the darker colour instead of making it darker, but nope, it made things darker. I got most of the Red Terror painted up, all the major bits are painted, now I need to do the details, touch ups and cleanups. I think the magenta ink pulls out the details rather nicely, it doesn't seem like it's coming out too sharp, seems to blend in with the darker colours nicely which is a surprise. I'd have thought it'd be stronger, but it's nicer this way. Even though it's mostly green, atleast the bits of red I added will make it still feasible to call it the Red Terror, even though it'll only be used as a ravener. A ravener that's as large as a Hive Tyrant, but atleast it seems more realistic that something that large would smash up from the ground huh? Well, ok, raveners aren't small, but you get the idea.

People keep asking me how I've been. How have I been? I feel like shit would be putting it very lightly. My dad's here for another few days (I wish they had just gone to PEI so I wouldn't have to even see them at all) before heading back to Hong Kong. I've been throwing up multiple times a day, 4 times this morning, just did a few minutes ago, multiple times a day over the past few weeks. I've gotten very good at controlling where I vomit at the very least. Being able to keep it in your mouth and push it back down your throat after it's almost out is rather like gagging yourself on purpose. Atleast it feels very much like it. Try to throw up, choke it back, end up tossing it back down my throat, gag and have a coughing fit. Of course, it's very noticeable so I always have to run off to where no one's around before doing so. Trying a few things to see if they'll help, bloody stomach and heartburn. I swear, I could strangle it if I could, except I can't. So I won't. Weather today isn't as bad as it has been over the past few days. It's not as hot, not as humid, which is a nice change. Yay, the camera decided to charge up to full. Ok, maybe there will be pictures afterall. After I finish this post. Don't have much else to say for now anyways.

Or maybe I do and that's the problem. Too many things to say, too many things I don't know how to say. Ask me not to take things personally? Not like to happen now. How is it that I can always do things for other people, but not when it really matters? Or maybe the problem is that that's the only time I can and never any other time. Listening to Stabbing Westward all morning probably doesn't help my state of mind much either. People ask me if I'm stressed, they ask me if that's the problem with my stomach. Yeah, I'm stressed. More than anyone has any fucking idea. Sick of life. Sick of death. Sick of time. Sick of existence. Sick in body. Sick in mind. Sick. That's what people have always told me I am. In some way or the other. Then again, they probably have a point. Sick or silent. One or the other. Usually both. It doesn't work out too well. No matter how many times I try and succeed the few times, and the other few times I succeed, but of course, how hard I try has never mattered. It's all a matter of the end result isn't it? Just ask anyone. They'll tell you they don't want my effort, they want results from me. Maybe no one will ever understand me that. Then expect me to understand something of theirs? Fuck no. Time and time again, I turn to myself. I have the most appalling timng when it comes to anything. Anyone will tell you that. It bothers me to some extent, but I've never been good at a whole hell of a lot, just decent at a bunch of things. There's no quick fix for me. There never was. I can't undo 15 years of distrust, hatred, secrecy and silence. I can slowly do something about it, but that's about it. Everyone tells me I don't say a whole lot. Trying to break through the same walls I put up myself sure as hell ain't easy.

I know, my paragraphing is horrible. I don't give a fat fuck what my grammar is like right now. If it's attrocious, so be it. If it's good, fine. Frankly, I couldn't care less right now. Devil to all, saviour to none. Hatred be my essence, hated be my name. There is no destiny. There is no fate. Just life and death. Live and let die.


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion || 10%
Stability |||||| 23%
Orderliness || 10%
Altruism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Interdependence |||||| 23%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Materialism |||||| 23%
Narcissism |||| 16%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Work ethic |||||| 30%
Self absorbed |||| 16%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 63%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70%
Romantic |||||| 30%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency || 10%
Change averse || 10%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Peter pan complex |||| 16%
Physical security |||||||||| 36%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 64%
Histrionic |||||| 30%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Vanity || 10%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43%
Female cliche |||||||||| 36%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
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Main Type
Overall Self
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||| 18%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 46%
Type 3 Image Focus || 10%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 70%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||| 66%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||| 38%
Your main type is 5
Your variant is self pres
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Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
Warmth ||||||||||||||| 50%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Emotional Stability |||||| 14%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Liveliness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Dutifulness ||||||||| 26%
Social Assertiveness ||| 10%
Sensitivity ||||||||| 26%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Abstractness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Introversion |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Independence |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Tension ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
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Eysenck's Test Results
Extraversion (13%) very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private.
Neuroticism (64%) moderately high which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Psychoticism (71%) high which suggests you are overly selfish, uncooperative, and difficult at the expense too often of the well being of others.
Take Eysenck Personality Test (similar to EPQ-R)
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Brain Lateralization Test Results
Right Brain (86%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (22%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain
Are You Right or Left Brained?
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Locus of Control Test Results
Internal Locus (49%) Individual believes that their life is defined more by their decisions and internal drive.
External Locus (51%) Individual believes that their life is defined more by genetics, environment, fate, or other external factors.
Take Free Locus of Control Test
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Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Antisocial |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54%
Narcissistic |||| 18%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 58%
Dependent |||||||||| 34%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
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Saturday, July 16, 2005

What's wrong now? Too much stuff and nothing at all.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Maybe I could be doing better. Maybe not. Perhaps if I try to take care of myself, I shall succeed. Otherwise, I suppose I can descend into the shadows of twilight once again.