Wednesday, December 29, 2004

There's not one thing...

I feel like right about now is a good time to make another post. Actually it probably isn't, but hey, what do I know about good ideas at the right time huh? I've spent the past few days having to be surrounded by these huge groups of people known as "shoppers", or, as I like to call them "dead when I finally lose control". I'm not agoraphobic. I don't have Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm not claustraphobic. In fact, it's none of the above, it's related, but not at the same time. Being amidst the shoppers, dealing with more people than I have to, drives me just a little bit insane. In fact, I'd say that it drives me almost to the brink of insanity. Everyday, it gets harder and harder to stop myself from snapping and ripping everything to shreds. I don't mean material objects. I mean anybody who happens to get in my way too. If those people happen to be 50 bystanders who have done nothing rather than be "there", so be it.

I've kept everything in control for so long, I can't stand it anymore. Why the fuck should I even bother? I keep trying at the point where most people stop. So why should I push myself to the brink of extinction trying so hard for a race that doesn't know the meaning of the word? Yes, I am talking about the human race. Why should I be the one to keep pushing, keep trying, fighting to keep every single ounce of rage in check, when really, all I want to do is mass slaughter millions and soak my hands in their blood? Yes, I'm pissed off. No, I haven't calmed down yet. Maybe I could drink it away. How does one drink one's anger away when one is an angry drunk? You don't, that's how. So I won't do that. Do I snarl for no reason? No. Why should I take my frustrations out on those who don't deserve it? Much more fun to take it out on myself and let it chew away at me. Nobody sees that way. Nobody who doesn't deserve to have the anger thrust upon them doesn't have to deal with it that way either.

I've been fuming for the better part of the day. This is not surprising, I'm not calm either. This bothers me. Not being in complete control of myself and not being calm. Why? I don't know, maybe one of these days I'll find a real answer to that question. Impressive, the cuts on my shoulder from however long ago did end up scarring. Lead this, lead that, do this, do that. I'm going to lead what I want, when I want, when I fucking well feel like it. Feel so caged in by everything and if the world and everybody is indeed conspiring to bring me down, then I'll fight it until they are no more, and left as nothing but bloody pools at my feet.

Nobody knows just how much I keep inside. People keep telling me that "they've had it up to here with me", when really, I've been putting up with their shit for far longer without saying a single thing. So who is it that really has more tolerance and patience?

I can't seem to decide on a playlist for my mp3 player, everytime I finalize it, I change it again. I think I'll leave it as is, reflects my mood perfectly, has some damageplan, sevendust, stabbing westward, papa roach, silverchair, shinedown, finger eleven, and probably something I'm forgetting, 24 total songs. I'm very angry that I didn't manage to get any new CDs today, the only thing in that whole fucking outlet mall I was interested in, and I didn't get anything. Whatever, I'll grab something when I find something I want. One of these days, I might be branded menace to society and locked away by a psychiatrist or something.


Monday, December 27, 2004

Respect? Fuck you.

"Family". The very thought brings my blood to a boil, there's nothing I can't say about family other than that I hate them all and that I'd kill them all if I could. I'll let damage plan say what I want to say as it relates towards family:

Fuck you, I'm through
I want nothing more from you
My sanity is wearing thin
Irate, I hate
You determined your own fate
Now everything is caving in

Fuck your power trip and
Fuck your attitude and
Fuck your bloated ego too
Fuck your history, your tragedy, your misery
But most of all...Fuck you

Fuck this, all of this
Bitch and moan and bleed and piss
Seconds away from goin' down
Go ahead and push me
Your fakery, your butchery
Is nothing compared to my hate for you

Fuck your apathy and
Fuck your empathy and
Fuck your nihilism too
Fuck your bitter pills, take 'em all, you never will
But most of all...Fuck you

Nothing changes, nothing fazes, nothing stays the same

Fuck your power trip and
Fuck your attitude and
Fuck your bloated ego too
Fuck your history, your tragedy, your misery
But most of all...Motherfucker, fuck you!

- Fuck you, by Damage Plan

Yeah, I hate my family. Every single last bit of it. You can try to tell me that I don't really mean that, but I really do. I hate my immediate family, I hate my extended family. There's nothing about them that I like. You think you're so self-righteous and always know what's best for me, for fucks sake, you don't even know me, let alone know what's best for me. You pretend that everything you do is my best interest, yeah, keep telling yourself that while you try to do what's best for you instead. You're power hungry and want to control everything and hate when someone obviously isn't going to let you. To me, you're just as bad as Hitler. You keep going on and on about how the Chinese suffered at the hands of the Japanese in WWII, you keep going on and on about how the only thing that's important is to be better than everybody else. I'm sick and tired of listening to you rant about how everything's against you and how nobody respects you. You know what? If you want respect, you have to EARN IT. Don't expect to get by on saying that you're a parent and that people have to respect you because of it. People respect me because I've never been handed it on a silver platter, time and time again, I've earned peoples respect through things I say or do. You expect to be given respect and you haven't earned an ounce of it. Well, mom, you think you're going to get my respect by acting like a big shot bitch? Fuck you.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Christmas fucking eve

Ah, Christmas. One of my most loathed time of years. Dad's coming back in 3 days, mom's being all bitchy as per always, another year, another Christmas, so fucking typical. Everyone else is always busy with family and whatnot, so I always end up just staying home. My relationship with my immediate and not-so-immediate family is bad to non-existent at the best of times, and holidays never make it any easier. They say that home is where the heart is, and if so, then I ain't home right now.

So many thoughts going through my head, no one to talk to, no where I can vent to. I would write, except there's an incomplete song in the book that demands to be finished before I write anything else in it, so I'm writing here isntead. I find that it is impossible to be as open on here, than in my own book. It's a different feeling when you know that no one will read what you write, as opposed to having it available for everyone to see. Sometimes I look at everything that's happened and I wonder how the hell I am where I am now. I've been listening to a bunch of random things today, Iced Earth, Godsmack, Jimmy Eat World (don't ask), Nine Inch Nails, Econoline Crush, Silverstein and Sevendust. Yeah, I know, it's all over the place and there's no method behind the madness.

I don't even know what I want to write, if that is in fact what I want to do. So much on my mind that I can hardly pick out any of it, almost like grasping at thin air. I don't even know why I'm writing right now, I can't even put my mind on a single thought and keep it there for a second. There's no use complaining to myself, nothing gets done unless one goes out to try to do something, but apparently, trying isn't good enough. So I'll stay here, accompanied only by the darkness, and the shadows that are the very essence of me.


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Amused? maybe.

I find it amusing how everyone is allowed to be pissed off at me for whatever reason, but it's some great crime when I'm upset for any reason. I shouldn't really be surprised, I bring it all on myself in the end. Yes. It is my fault for being manic depressive, it's my fault for always keeping it in check and very rarely showing that I am, it's my fault that I always have to try to help everyone else despite not having any energy to deal with my own problems, it's my fault that nothing I do is every good enough, it's my fault that I ever show that I'm upset, it's my fault that I can't keep everything in check anymore because there's too much of it, it's my fault for always taking the blame and always taking the fall for someone else, it's my fault that I'm always willing to listen and try to do my best for everyone except for myself, it's my fault that everyone hates me, it's my fault that I get upset in the first place over things that I shouldn't be getting upset over, it's my fault that I interpret things a certain way, it's my fault that I think so fucking much, it's my fault that I can't deal with anything anymore, it's my fault for always making things difficult for myself and for everyone else, it's my fault that I'm just another complication in people's lives, it's my fault that I don't take care of myself, it's my fault that I have to try so hard to keep in control of myself, it's my fault that nothing I do will ever amount to anything or mean anything to anyone, it's my fault that nobody thinks I'm trying hard enough, it's my fault that it always appears as if I'm not trying, it's my fault that no matter how hard I try no one will ever see that I am, it's my fault that I have to drown myself in music because no one else will listen, it's my fault that everyone else is in a bad mood, it's my fault that people are selfish fucks, it's my fault the world is the way it is, and it's my fault that I am me. Am I missing anything? Anything else that I've been blamed for that I'm forgetting? Any other accusations that I haven't mentioned? Everyone's always expected nothing short of total perfection from me, and if something's wrong, I'm expected to fix it. I'm expected to fix all of life's little problems for everyone because "I understand". Nobody has any idea how draining it is, nobody knows just what it is I do to myself because I refuse to take out anything on anyone else, because I refuse to yell and scream when that's all I want to, and because I'm always trying to be in control over myself at all times. Why do I always fight to be in control of myself for everyone elses sake? Is there really something so wrong about being an introvert? Funny thing though, it's comforting. Being put under fire, being held responsible for things that I have no control over, being used as a scapegoat and scratching post for everyone and everything that comes my way. I invite it, and I bring it on myself. Ecstacy in suffering.

Everywhere I look, I only see death. I envision everyone and everything being ripped apart, bloody pools of blood to feast on, nothing short of the very essence of human life. Someone once told me that if they were that hated, they would just leave. One can't leave life without ending life. Why do I try so hard to keep promises I make when people are quite willing to break promises to me without a moments hesitation? I will never be appreciated for the things I do, I will never be remembered for any impact I have on a person's life, I'll just be another face in the past. Try so hard to be everything that everyone wants from me, but no one appreciates the effort put in, just the end result. Should I put my fate back into the hands of the dice and coins? Take stupid risks instead of always keeping them in check, do shit that I know is severely detrimental to my own health and is likely to get me killed? There are only so many times I can skirt death. Sooner or later, it catches up to you.

Memories and flashbacks are great things. Really. There's an old addage about getting nickles and pennies everytime something happens, but since it's already overused, I'll not state it. Ignored, forgotten, memories, me. Are they all the same? I'm tired of trying to answer that question, someone answer it for me. Everyone's always jumping to conclusions withoout knowing enough to have a conclusion in the first place. I've kept everything bottled up inside for so long, nobody's ever liked what they've seen inside, it pushes them away. They don't want to associate with someone as fucked up as me, they don't want to know just how deep it all goes, just how far back it extends. People don't want to be associated with me and I don't blame them.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

maybe I wasn't what you had in mind

How much more am I going to put up with from people? How many more times does everybody have to try to pull the curtain over my eyes before they notice that I can see straight through it? How much more do I have to pretend to be the idiot in everything, who never really notices anything or has no clue about the obvious? I find that there's a musical reference in almost everything I do and say. But alas, if music is the only way I can express myself, then so be it. I'm constantly writing. Always writing. I know that in a way, it's not good for me, but in another regards, it's writing or it's something worse, so take your pick.

I'm sick and tired of always having to take the blame for someone else. I'm sick and tired of helping, but never having it reciprocated. There's a deep underlying resentment somewhere in me towards everybody I've helped but whenever I ask them for something small, they're never there. Most of you won't even read this, but then again, I refused to associate with most of you in the first place so of course you wouldn't read this. In fact, I'm not even sure if you people are even aware that I *wanted* you to see me as a reject. But that's enough reminiscing about the past, no use getting angry over it. You can't change the past, but this element of your past will one day show you just how misguided your shallow minds were.

Time and time again, I've been expected to be the symbol of perfection. The pinacle that everyone strives to reach. I got news for ya, I'm not perfect. You shouldn't be striving to achieve what I've done because I've done nothing that you would consider worthwhile. I am who I am, nothing more, nothing less and if you want to use me as an example to live by, you need to find your own path. If your very nature is similiar to mine, there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you're being yourself, and who you are.

I know I've said this time and time again, but people are fickle. One minute, you're everything and more that they want, next minute, you're nothing to them and just trash in their eyes. My mind is hopping all over the place, I can't pin point and grab a single thought, it's all varied and twisted in their own little ways. Quick synnopsis of my day I suppose: Chiro, lunch, downloaded vampire hunter D: Bloodlust, levelled for a few hours, and then now. Apparently, I have to pick up a parcel, so I'll do that at some point tomorrow, have an appointment with Colleen at 2, so I'll have to try to figure out what else I have to do (except go to the bank, that's too far).

Please don't take pity on me. I'm not after sympathy, I'm not even after recognition. If you want to pretend I don't exist, by all means, please do. If you don't care enough to be able to see past the nonexistent defenses I put up, well, then I don't know what else to say about that. If you want to use me as a symbol of hate, and of everything that you hate in a person, go right ahead, I'm not going to stop you.

I don't want to be a symbol of salvation, but I will be a symbol of damnation. No one will ever truly know the pain I hide inside, no matter how much it starts to wear and show, no one will ever have even the slightest idea how deep it goes. Don't mourn me, don't remember me, don't cry for me, don't feel sorry for me. Maybe I'll just let you people watch me fade away instead.


Sunday, December 12, 2004

CPS305, I own your ass

I'm in a temporary state of euphoria at the moment. All exams are done and we even got marks back for one of our exams, CPS305, the course that had the "You must pass the final to pass the course" stipulation to it. Coming out of the exam, I knew I lost 12 marks right off the bat, so I was worried to say the least. But anyways, I was told to check my mark today. So I logged in to SSH (which for reason, doesn't work properly for me) and checked the mark. Hoping for a pass, I guess working my ass off paid off in the end because I came out of that exam with an 18.5 out of 37. Pass? just barely. In fact, had I lost half a mark more, I would've failed, but I didn't, so all is good.

So what has this past weekend been like? I'm sure you can guess. Talking with a few people here and there, trying to make plans for the few weeks where people are actually back, one of things that we absolutely have to do is an Unhinged Tournament. Buy a box of unhinged, minimaster the packs, THEN build decks for everybody and play them against each other. Unhinged only of course, but that will definitely be fun. I must make a black-something deck that plays Zzzyxas's Abyss. In fact, I love most of unhinged, it's a fun fun fun set, reminds me why I love Magic: The Gathering so much actually, fun as hell. Another deck I want is a super secret tech deck comprised of nothing but foils, doesn't matter what the foil is, so long as it's foiled it goes in. I know, I'm strange, so sue me, I like to have some fun when I'm trying to relax. Anyways, Dave says he's in, Greg will probably want in, Theo? Francis? Josh? Anyone else want in? The more people we have, the more fun it'll be, plus if there are enough people, we could crack 2 boxes of unhinged instead of just the 1 and go nuts. Anyways, get back to me on the idea when you guys can.

I look out the window and wonder about this snow. I hate snow. I want it to be summer. Why? I'm going to complain it being bitterly hot in the summer and I'm going to complain about it being bitterly cold in the winter (depending on the humidity of course, long story, don't ask). Lot of visits to a doctor of some kind this week. Chiro on Tuesday morning, I might actually go in and check on my CMN300 mark after that too, haven't decided yet, I may just come home after, depends on how I'm feeling I suppose. Then I have a counsellor appointment this Wednesday at 2pm, and I'm supposed to decide on what course of action to take, whether or not I want to take a break, or keep going, and what I'm going to do about myself and one of the 50 million different things that's wrong with me. I might go and see the doctor later about a few things too, but I'll do that after I have a better grasp of what else is going on with me.

It seems like my stomach has calmed down so it probably was all stress induced issues. I've been listening to a lot of Stabbing Westward lately, I'm not sure how good that is for me, but I love Stabbing Westward so it's all good either way. Man, this snow is getting bad. I'm not sure if I'm going to get to do something to do, but if I don't, I might go down to 401 and do some trading or something like that. I need to plan out my week, but volatility of my schedule and other people's schedule always keeps me from really doing much planning. Ah well, more spontaneous or something? Always good to have a little bit of that. I have "Waking up Beside you" and "Save Yourself" playing through my head. Perhaps that's because I've been listening to the Darkest Days album a lot. I have to say that Darkest Days is a really good album. Come to think of it, with the exception of the self-titled album, all their albums are really good. The self-titled album only has 3 songs I actually like.

Ah well, I'm going to go back to looking at the Unhinged Spoiler some more.


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Almost Perfect

Ok, here's the song I promised I'd post when I was finished:

Almost Perfect

Right - On the ground,
Beneath the feet I walk
You - Don't know what you say,
Don't know what you do
I - watch you turn away,
Look at me in shame
You - could never know just what it is you do to me!

Crash - Down to the floor,
Where all the empty bottles lay
I - Don't know what to say,
Don't know what to do
You - Will only scream at me,
My imperfections see
I - Don't know if there's anything that's right you see in me!

I know that I'm your anger,
I know that I'm your pain
Your worthless trophy mantle,
Your worthless claim to fame
Never good enough for you,
Never good for anything
And now all you see,
Imperfections you hate in me

Why - Do you lie to me,
And say that you're proud of me?
You - Always look at me,
As a disgrace you see
I - Am not what you seek,
Perfections so far gone
You - Will use me now to do what you never could have done!

I know that I'm your anger,
I know that I'm your pain
Your worthless trophy mantle,
Your worthless claim to fame
Never good enough for you,
Never good for anything
And now all you see,
Imperfections you hate in me

Don't you know that I can't give you what you want from me?
This perfect, this false hope you're always looking for
Why don't you tell me what you think and that you never believed in me?
Because I don't have anything that's worth anything to anyone

Hate - For this shadow,
That you never recognized in me
Blame - Everything on me,
Because you're so Naive
You - Dislike in me,
Everything you hate in you
I - would tell but it's never like you listen to anything I say!

I know that I'm your anger,
I know that I'm your pain
Your worthless trophy mantle,
Your worthless claim to fame
Never good enough for you,
Never good for anything
And now all you see,
Imperfections you hate in me

Perfect, hate!
You try!
To break me now!

I'm not perfect, I don't claim to be, but almost is never good enough either.


Studying sucks

I don't know why I'm so calm. I've got an exam tomorrow, an exam Friday, I'm a fucking mess physically and mentally, my mind refuses to shut up, and despite all that, I'm perfectly calm. Sitting here eating some nasty Michellina's (sp?) microwave meatloaf and gravy, and having a mug of hot water. Study sucks. It really does, but it's a necessary evil that has to be done. I sometimes don't even know why I bother trying to study, I can't remember anything anyways. I could study all day, and not get anywhere. I mean, I understsand the general principle of how to do everything and the concepts behind it, but asking me to remember specifics is usually a lost cause.

Algorithm analysis is so much fun. Really. It's something I would gladly stab if only so that I would never have to do it ever again. Well, ok, in fairness, that would probably have to be rip out my eyes or something, but that's boring and unoriginal too, so lets not. Analyzing worst case, average case and best case scenarios? Argh. I can't stand doing this math, it's so stupid and nonsensical all at the same time. It's more trying to memorize these formulas, which, as you all know, I can't do. I can derive something if need be, but that takes a long time. Fortunately, we get 3 hours. Of course, by that same token, the exam is only 37 marks which has me worried.

Been studying these algorithm analysis and definitions. So much of it to do. Then there's calculus when I'm done with this stuff and that's not going to be a walk in the park either. Fortunately, we do get a formula sheet for calc, but still. Not going to be fun in the least bit. I know i should eat more, but what do you do when eating makes you want to throw up? When being sick is just about all that you seem to be able to do? They think it's psychological, we'll see after the ultrasound comes back in January.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate studying? I can't remember anything, I know the general basis of how everything works, but I can't for the life of me remember specifics. Ah well, time to derive everything and make it all up? I don't know, I'll figure out what to do. After I finish rereading over all these notes on 305, gonna get to work on calc I think, gotta review 2 chapters worth of material and make a formula sheet, fun. Hey, atleast we even get a formula sheet, there ain't a chance in hell I'm going to be able to remember everything we learned.

Maybe I'll have some time to be able to take to myself today, I doubt it. People are probably going to be too busy to help me take my mind off things anyways. I'm sure that I'll end up writing something in my notebook, maybe finish this song. Yeah, that's what I'll probably do. No, you can't see a tidbit of it yet, not until I'm done. I just started using the notebook yesterday, and I already have almost 10 pages used up, I swear, I write too much sometimes. Like right now, I'm just rambling and going on and on, writing down whatever comes to mind. I suppose this is kinda like me taking a break though, to be able to not focus on the material at hand and be able to just do other things for a short bit. Can't keep it up forever can I? Well, maybe I can, but I think my hand would get tired from all the writing after a while.

Lets see what we have for proofs:

Sequential Search - compare the target to every entry starting from the first entry. For calculating average number of comparisons in a successful case, lets say that there are n entries, and the sum of all the searches is 1+2+3+4+...+(n-1)+n. So you're left with Sigma[i=1..n] i/n which gives you ((1/2)(n)(n+1))/n=(1/2)(n+1), yay, I'm not all bad.
Insertion Sort - sorts by putting the first entry at the top, then takes the next entry, compares it to the prevoius entry and sorts it, then takes the next entry in the list, and compares to all the previous entries, etc... best case scenario is that the list is in order, worst case scenario is if the list is in reverse order, average case, I'd have to work out, but I think I know how.
Selection Sort - sorts in the reverse order that insertion sort does. It starts from the largest instead of the smallest and works upwards, make more efficient.
Quicksorting - pick a pivot, divide the list into everything greater and everything smaller than the pivot, now your pivot position is set. Then take the upper list and repeat, then take the lower list and repeat. Then do the same with those sublists over and over again. I don't understand the algorithm analysis for this one, but it's ok. Best case and average case I believe are the same, worst case is when the list does NOT get partitioned into 2 lists, but the pivot creates 1 full list and 1 empty list. At this point, quick sort is no better than selection sort.
Average Number of Probes - Oh Hashing, how I hate thee. Enough said.

Ok, so I'm not ccompletely stupid. I can do 4 out of the 5 proofs, so that's good for what? maybe 4-6 marks? Assuming she doesn't give the hashing one? Coding is 3 marks, I'll probably get 1 or 2. So that means I have to do really well in the theory. Hopefully I can.

Calculus of course is an entirely different matter, way too much to know for that. We'll see how things work out with that. Ah well, I'm understanding this 305 stuff better so I'll probably start work on calc in a bit, just after I take a short break. I'm going to finish this song at some point today, but for now, I'm going to become a vegetable for a minute. No one in their right frame of mind would want to talk to me anyways. What do I have to say that's of any use or importance to anyone? Hrm. Maybe, I will go work on this song afterall....


Thursday, December 02, 2004

I can't think of a title

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much of a mess I am. It's becoming more and more obvious, atleast to me anyways. Day after day, I'm finding new things wrong with me and I have no clue what to do about them. Well, maybe I would have some idea if I spent any time for myself. I'm constantly worrying about other people and never taking the time to worry about myself. In fact, I don't think I remember what it means to worry about myself, it's been far too long since I've had time to worry about myself.
Everyone keeps telling me that all my problems are stress related. They probably are. In fact, the bulk of my problems are probably stress related, but then again, it's very likely not to be. I'm unsure of what's more likely, that I'm stressed to the point my body has decided to make something wrong or if there was something wrong already. Hell, from the way my stomach's been acting, I wouldn't be surprised if I had an ulcer or something like that. I'll find that one out in January.

People complain that they've got problems to deal with. It's natural. Most people complain for lack of anything better to do actually. I feel like passing out, I don't know how I'm still capable of sitting up, let alone working on an assignment at the same time. I complain only when there's actually something to complain about, but usually I don't even do that. I end up writing down everything instead because there's never anyone around to listen. I'm not going to rant at random people on the subway who don't know me. Who else is going to listen to me when there's no one around to listen? No rest for the wicked, no reward for the weary. I'm used to it by now. Try as hard as you can, and push yourself past your every limit. But no one cares how hard you try, they care about the final result and if the final result isn't good enough, then all your effort is all for naught.

I realize that I'm being very negative about people, but when am I not? I hate society. I hate people. I like individuals, but I hate people. I don't understand why people get so caught up in expecting everyone else to be like them. You only end up making things more difficult for everyone else, including yourself while you try to change people to your liking.
I hate job searching websites. I really do, on the flip side, you can look for a job while you're doing it. Which is good, because I really need a job. I need something to occupy my time with when I have nothing to do and I'm just idling on realms. A job would be nice, help take my mind off things. Of course, by that same token, I'm likely to get just as frustrated by things at work as I oftentimes am. There's no real release from it is there?

Pizza again, yay. Not like I can afford much else anyways. Cheap, not quite as bad as a poutine, not as good as something that's actually healthy, but it's better than some alternatives. Typing hurts. In fact, typing hurts a lot, but I have to do it don't I? I also have to refill my phone, that's going to be a pain, have to buy it before the place closes which means I have to leave at......8:30 by the latest to make sure I get there in time for closing. But yeah, my hand hurts and my body feels like shit, what do you want from me? I can't do anything about it yet though, have to wait until exams are done before I can really try to do anything for myself. How does therapy sound?