Thursday, December 02, 2004

I can't think of a title

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much of a mess I am. It's becoming more and more obvious, atleast to me anyways. Day after day, I'm finding new things wrong with me and I have no clue what to do about them. Well, maybe I would have some idea if I spent any time for myself. I'm constantly worrying about other people and never taking the time to worry about myself. In fact, I don't think I remember what it means to worry about myself, it's been far too long since I've had time to worry about myself.
Everyone keeps telling me that all my problems are stress related. They probably are. In fact, the bulk of my problems are probably stress related, but then again, it's very likely not to be. I'm unsure of what's more likely, that I'm stressed to the point my body has decided to make something wrong or if there was something wrong already. Hell, from the way my stomach's been acting, I wouldn't be surprised if I had an ulcer or something like that. I'll find that one out in January.

People complain that they've got problems to deal with. It's natural. Most people complain for lack of anything better to do actually. I feel like passing out, I don't know how I'm still capable of sitting up, let alone working on an assignment at the same time. I complain only when there's actually something to complain about, but usually I don't even do that. I end up writing down everything instead because there's never anyone around to listen. I'm not going to rant at random people on the subway who don't know me. Who else is going to listen to me when there's no one around to listen? No rest for the wicked, no reward for the weary. I'm used to it by now. Try as hard as you can, and push yourself past your every limit. But no one cares how hard you try, they care about the final result and if the final result isn't good enough, then all your effort is all for naught.

I realize that I'm being very negative about people, but when am I not? I hate society. I hate people. I like individuals, but I hate people. I don't understand why people get so caught up in expecting everyone else to be like them. You only end up making things more difficult for everyone else, including yourself while you try to change people to your liking.
I hate job searching websites. I really do, on the flip side, you can look for a job while you're doing it. Which is good, because I really need a job. I need something to occupy my time with when I have nothing to do and I'm just idling on realms. A job would be nice, help take my mind off things. Of course, by that same token, I'm likely to get just as frustrated by things at work as I oftentimes am. There's no real release from it is there?

Pizza again, yay. Not like I can afford much else anyways. Cheap, not quite as bad as a poutine, not as good as something that's actually healthy, but it's better than some alternatives. Typing hurts. In fact, typing hurts a lot, but I have to do it don't I? I also have to refill my phone, that's going to be a pain, have to buy it before the place closes which means I have to leave at......8:30 by the latest to make sure I get there in time for closing. But yeah, my hand hurts and my body feels like shit, what do you want from me? I can't do anything about it yet though, have to wait until exams are done before I can really try to do anything for myself. How does therapy sound?



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