Saturday, November 13, 2004

you tell me

For some reason, whenever I look at the post counter on my blog, it never seems to move. It's been at 39 for my past 3 or 4 posts, I could just be hallucinating and not able to see the small differences in numbers, but quite frankly, with all the stuff that goes on, I can't be bothered. I don't know what I'm dealing with more, myself or everyone else. Always trying to juggle the things that happen in my mind, the overanalytical aspect of it that drives people nuts.

Everyone says it. The thinking part of my mind that drives everyone nuts because they don't know what I'm thinking andbecause I end up too caught up in my thoughts to express whatever it is that's on my mind. "You'l never find out now, that all these absent elements, built your comfortable defense, stronger still, like an emptiness...." It's a line from Absent Elements by Finger Eleven. I was flipping through the very limited number of MP3s I have on my desktop and made a miniplay list of 9 songs (well, soon to be a few more). There, I upped the list count to 13:

1. Nickleback - Someday
2. Chevelle - Vitamin R
3. Evergrey - I'm sorry
4. Finger Eleven - Absent Elements
5. The killers - Somebody told me
6. Jimmy Eat World - Pain
7. Matchbox Romance - Promise
8. The Watchmen - Stereo
9. Velvet Revolver - Slither
10. Yellowcard - Only one
11. Finch - Three Simple Words
12. Silverchair - Suicidal Dreams
13. Shinedown - 45

Music. Good ol' music. The one thing that's been there for me through the years. I don't know if I can safely say that I'd be the same person had I not had the music there. I can't say that I'd be alive if I never had the music in the first place.

Some people would gladly say that the world would be better off if I was dead. Maybe people would be better off without me today. Who knows? I can't go back, kill myself earlier and say with certainty that the world would be a better place. Maybe with certain people, they'd prefer me dead, and perhaps some people wouldn't want me to be. Everyone needs a safehaven from everyone and everything else sometimes. Music is mine, it's the one constant that's always been there.

I've been writing a lot recently. Not on here, in my book. Getting those immediate thoughts out of my head and someplace tangible is nice to be able to do...keeps my head from getting too cluttered. Call it release, call it not. It's a bit of everything. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother. Why bother writing down thoughts that no one is going to read? Why bother trying to explain the method to the madness when people aren't going to listen? Why try to tell them the reasons for my actions when they aren't going to listen anyways? Slither, by Velvet Revolver. That's the song that just finished playing. Now it's playing Only One, by Yellowcard. This singer's voice is so high, I can't sing that octave, it's an octave or above what I'm capable of if I strain my throat.

Writing and singing. It seems to be the only things that I can do well that few people will get on my case about. Song-writing, only one song that's come to mind lately. I haven't had the desire to write about much, the motivation isn't there, I need to find where it went because I miss it. Suicidal Dreams, by Silverchair. Yes, I have to announce each song as it's playing. Why? I don't know, because I feel like it. And now the playlist repeats.

What am I still doing here writing this post for so long? I mean, if the playlist repeats, why am I not already doing something else? Well, waiting for cato to start, aside from that, I just ate. Do I feel like doing anything? not particularly. I'm going to do my readings or something probably, but there isn't much and most of it is already done anyways.

I need to pick up a mic and an amp. Still. Yes, I know, I've been trying to save money for it for a while now, it's not as easy as you think it is. Saving money in university is incredibly difficult, sudden expenses, necessary expenses, and if you're someone like me who gets things as they are needed (like clothes and shoes for example), these expenses tend to add up really fast.

Try as you may, people will never see that you're trying if you don't give them any straight up indication that you are. I can't give people straight up indication of me doing anything, I'm an introvert, I keep to myself usually. Is there something wrong with that? Overanalyzing tends to be my worst enemy, but then again, at least that way I know I can think. I'm not the stone statue that everyone makes me out to be. Nice as it would be. Sometimes I am, but in the end, I'm not. Do you have any idea how it's like to feel comfortably numb and then to feel like shit because you were feeling comfortably numb? and then to feel comfortably numb for feeling like shit because you were feeling comfortably numb in the first place? It's a vicious cycle, one that doesn't need any explanations for itself.



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