Friday, November 12, 2004

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have vague-to-no recollection of what happened last night. I know people seemed very upset at me for not being at the keyboard, or people weren't responding to my messages, probably a mixture of both. I recall 1 failed seth attempt, 1 repop where people weren't there, and then I don't remember anything else about that. I remember going to close my eyes for a minute or 2 because people weren't talking back at me. I wasn't tired or sleepy, obviously my body thought differently. I woke up at 4:45 this morning absolutely confused at what time it was, I must've thought it was still last night. I vaguely recall doing something at my computer, but what that was, was beyond me. My message logs seemed very strange, but people weren't responding to anything I was saying anyways, so I suppose I must've done something to upset them.

Last time this happened several nights in a row was several years ago and it led to a complete physical collapse at some point. Even now my memories of last night and the night before are foggy. If I try to remember what happened, it still takes a fair bit of effort to figure out what happened. It's like getting caught in limbo and not knowing what's going on or what to do about it. Do you know what that's like? To not be in control of your own body? I hate it. If I knew what was wrong, I could do something about it. But I don't. As I recall, last time this happened, I got 20 hours of sleep or thereabouts for the entire next month, and I slept twice, both for 10 hours at a time, and I wouldn't call it sleeping, I would call it passing out or something of the sort.

I didn't mean to upset you. I don't know what's wrong with me.



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