Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Amused? maybe.

I find it amusing how everyone is allowed to be pissed off at me for whatever reason, but it's some great crime when I'm upset for any reason. I shouldn't really be surprised, I bring it all on myself in the end. Yes. It is my fault for being manic depressive, it's my fault for always keeping it in check and very rarely showing that I am, it's my fault that I always have to try to help everyone else despite not having any energy to deal with my own problems, it's my fault that nothing I do is every good enough, it's my fault that I ever show that I'm upset, it's my fault that I can't keep everything in check anymore because there's too much of it, it's my fault for always taking the blame and always taking the fall for someone else, it's my fault that I'm always willing to listen and try to do my best for everyone except for myself, it's my fault that everyone hates me, it's my fault that I get upset in the first place over things that I shouldn't be getting upset over, it's my fault that I interpret things a certain way, it's my fault that I think so fucking much, it's my fault that I can't deal with anything anymore, it's my fault for always making things difficult for myself and for everyone else, it's my fault that I'm just another complication in people's lives, it's my fault that I don't take care of myself, it's my fault that I have to try so hard to keep in control of myself, it's my fault that nothing I do will ever amount to anything or mean anything to anyone, it's my fault that nobody thinks I'm trying hard enough, it's my fault that it always appears as if I'm not trying, it's my fault that no matter how hard I try no one will ever see that I am, it's my fault that I have to drown myself in music because no one else will listen, it's my fault that everyone else is in a bad mood, it's my fault that people are selfish fucks, it's my fault the world is the way it is, and it's my fault that I am me. Am I missing anything? Anything else that I've been blamed for that I'm forgetting? Any other accusations that I haven't mentioned? Everyone's always expected nothing short of total perfection from me, and if something's wrong, I'm expected to fix it. I'm expected to fix all of life's little problems for everyone because "I understand". Nobody has any idea how draining it is, nobody knows just what it is I do to myself because I refuse to take out anything on anyone else, because I refuse to yell and scream when that's all I want to, and because I'm always trying to be in control over myself at all times. Why do I always fight to be in control of myself for everyone elses sake? Is there really something so wrong about being an introvert? Funny thing though, it's comforting. Being put under fire, being held responsible for things that I have no control over, being used as a scapegoat and scratching post for everyone and everything that comes my way. I invite it, and I bring it on myself. Ecstacy in suffering.

Everywhere I look, I only see death. I envision everyone and everything being ripped apart, bloody pools of blood to feast on, nothing short of the very essence of human life. Someone once told me that if they were that hated, they would just leave. One can't leave life without ending life. Why do I try so hard to keep promises I make when people are quite willing to break promises to me without a moments hesitation? I will never be appreciated for the things I do, I will never be remembered for any impact I have on a person's life, I'll just be another face in the past. Try so hard to be everything that everyone wants from me, but no one appreciates the effort put in, just the end result. Should I put my fate back into the hands of the dice and coins? Take stupid risks instead of always keeping them in check, do shit that I know is severely detrimental to my own health and is likely to get me killed? There are only so many times I can skirt death. Sooner or later, it catches up to you.

Memories and flashbacks are great things. Really. There's an old addage about getting nickles and pennies everytime something happens, but since it's already overused, I'll not state it. Ignored, forgotten, memories, me. Are they all the same? I'm tired of trying to answer that question, someone answer it for me. Everyone's always jumping to conclusions withoout knowing enough to have a conclusion in the first place. I've kept everything bottled up inside for so long, nobody's ever liked what they've seen inside, it pushes them away. They don't want to associate with someone as fucked up as me, they don't want to know just how deep it all goes, just how far back it extends. People don't want to be associated with me and I don't blame them.



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