Tuesday, December 14, 2004

maybe I wasn't what you had in mind

How much more am I going to put up with from people? How many more times does everybody have to try to pull the curtain over my eyes before they notice that I can see straight through it? How much more do I have to pretend to be the idiot in everything, who never really notices anything or has no clue about the obvious? I find that there's a musical reference in almost everything I do and say. But alas, if music is the only way I can express myself, then so be it. I'm constantly writing. Always writing. I know that in a way, it's not good for me, but in another regards, it's writing or it's something worse, so take your pick.

I'm sick and tired of always having to take the blame for someone else. I'm sick and tired of helping, but never having it reciprocated. There's a deep underlying resentment somewhere in me towards everybody I've helped but whenever I ask them for something small, they're never there. Most of you won't even read this, but then again, I refused to associate with most of you in the first place so of course you wouldn't read this. In fact, I'm not even sure if you people are even aware that I *wanted* you to see me as a reject. But that's enough reminiscing about the past, no use getting angry over it. You can't change the past, but this element of your past will one day show you just how misguided your shallow minds were.

Time and time again, I've been expected to be the symbol of perfection. The pinacle that everyone strives to reach. I got news for ya, I'm not perfect. You shouldn't be striving to achieve what I've done because I've done nothing that you would consider worthwhile. I am who I am, nothing more, nothing less and if you want to use me as an example to live by, you need to find your own path. If your very nature is similiar to mine, there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you're being yourself, and who you are.

I know I've said this time and time again, but people are fickle. One minute, you're everything and more that they want, next minute, you're nothing to them and just trash in their eyes. My mind is hopping all over the place, I can't pin point and grab a single thought, it's all varied and twisted in their own little ways. Quick synnopsis of my day I suppose: Chiro, lunch, downloaded vampire hunter D: Bloodlust, levelled for a few hours, and then now. Apparently, I have to pick up a parcel, so I'll do that at some point tomorrow, have an appointment with Colleen at 2, so I'll have to try to figure out what else I have to do (except go to the bank, that's too far).

Please don't take pity on me. I'm not after sympathy, I'm not even after recognition. If you want to pretend I don't exist, by all means, please do. If you don't care enough to be able to see past the nonexistent defenses I put up, well, then I don't know what else to say about that. If you want to use me as a symbol of hate, and of everything that you hate in a person, go right ahead, I'm not going to stop you.

I don't want to be a symbol of salvation, but I will be a symbol of damnation. No one will ever truly know the pain I hide inside, no matter how much it starts to wear and show, no one will ever have even the slightest idea how deep it goes. Don't mourn me, don't remember me, don't cry for me, don't feel sorry for me. Maybe I'll just let you people watch me fade away instead.



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