Monday, September 19, 2005


Worth for Zalenaem, Fatal Kiss of the Black Rose.
|Level: 50 |Favor: loved |Alignment: 3 |Experience: 176477991|
|Glory: 43 |Weight: 493 |Style: aggressive |Gold: 5,527,200 |
| |Hitroll: 97 |Damroll: 123 |Bank: 0 |

You are using:
maelstrom of chaos
(Red Aura) (Humming) Amaya's Unholy Eternal Pledge
(Red Aura) (Humming) Jyotsana's Unholy Eternal Pledge
(Red Aura) Collar of Abyssal Servitude
(Red Aura) Collar of Abyssal Servitude
the Dragonhide Breastplate
(Glowing) Veil of Divine Wrath
the bloody greaves of Rapture and Dysphoria
darkened boots of the grimoire
(Red Aura) a strand of polished jade
(Humming) the cloak of Death
(Red Aura) A shroud of darkness
a girth of mangled hide
a spiked leather wristguard
a spiked leather wristguard
(Red Aura) Darkfire blaster
(Red Aura) Darkfire blaster
(Red Aura) silence
A pair of Goroggles
the defiled cloak of the furies
(Red Aura) the facade of the Hannya
a demonskin ankle bracer
a demonskin ankle bracer

You report: 1800/1800 hp 60/60 blood 673/673 mv 176477991 xp.
Your base stats: 18 str 16 int 11 wis 18 dex 14 con 9 cha 14 lck.
Your current stats: 20 str 20 int 11 wis 25 dex 15 con 6 cha 19 lck.

And after....however many months I was at 1790hp, finally hit 1800. What did it? The faction. But see, the thing is, it's taken me.....I don't even remember how long anymore, to get the Malefaction. Damned things are so hard to find now. Seems like unless they come out with some new piece of equipment that I can use that's better than an existing piece of equipment, everything that I can use to upgrade my current stats, dr or hp costs atleast 3 sets. I mean, at the current time, it seems like the next cheapest piece that I can get that my stats will allow for and that would give me a boost to hp and dr is a raven guard, and that's 4ish sets for 1dr and 15hp, which isn't bad, and it's nice how the added stats on the death cloak make that a possiblity rather than just adding hp or dr and not being able to use the equipment.
It's kind of amusing how I've been idling more on Zalenaem lately than Aiden. Any particular reason? I don't really know, I guess I've just felt like more of a vampire than a ranger. A vampire in one form, cleric in another. Oh well. Finished my paper work for the morning, had breakfast, had lunch. Now I get to be a vegetable for a while before I have to go. Maybe I'll download SFA.

No one holds command over me. No man. No god. No Prince. What is a claim of age for ones who are immortal? What is a claim of power for ones who defy death? Call your damnable hunt. We shall see whom I drag screaming to hell with me.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Double posting...I haven't done that in a while...

Second post today. I must be in really bad shape if I'm posting twice, I usually only post once and that's that. Listening to Evanescence probably isn't doing my state of mind any favours. In fact, it's probably part of why today has been so bad. I think another question is why AM I listening to Evanescence? Am I really that far down that I'm listening to Evanescence again? It would appear so. I suppose that is one way to tell how I am, by the music I'm listening to.
Oh well, not much of an update, I got my schedule, I'm registered. Now I can do the rest of the crap that I needed to get registered to do first.


And if I bleed, I bleed...

I always find it amusing when people who I don't know say that they're sorry to me and that they do what the "gods" inspire them to do. Had I been in a better mood, I might have been fine with it. Ok, not really, but whatever, you know what I mean. For now, I'm in an even worse mood than I had been in before, which is probably saying something seeing as how I've been in a fairly bad mood all morning. There was nothing wrong with class. In fact, class was good. The rest of the morning, well, I won't comment on it. I've been writing all morning. After several weeks of not being able to write anything, I can't seem to stop. That may or may not be a good thing, it may or may not be a bad thing. Frankly, in my current state of mind, I really don't care either way. Part of me thinks that I should, but generally speaking, I really just don't care. I was sick of having writer's block and now that it's gone, I don't care what I write, I just want to write and write some more.
So what did I end up writing about? Whatever came to mind really. I wrote about random shit that I'd been feeling as of late. I wrote about professors, good and bad, about what is good about them, and what was bad. In fact, I can safely say that there have been very few professors where I actually enjoy their class and teaching style. Mostly because relevance of material matters to me. I don't' care about material that has no concern relating to the course. A little bit is ok, too much puts me to sleep in class. Hour and a half lectures with about an hour and a half worth of material is fun at 10am when you're fighting off the tail effects of a cold/flu. It's almost gone anyways, atleast that's what it feels like. I finished "Black Sheep" on Sunday. 2 more still in progress right now, but I need to take a little bit of a break between songs else they become melded into a single entity. Writing in here, writing in my book at the same time. I seem to be of a two-tracked mind right now, writing and writing.
Damnit, I hate accidentally posting before I finish the post. Oh well. It happens on occasion, nothing much I can do about it short of..well, not doing it in the near future. I wrote a random blurb on a word today. That was the first time I had done that in a long time. Why did I write a random blurb on a word? Because the word popped into mind as I was writing something else. What was the word? Hodge Podge. I won't really reiterate what I wrote in my notepad here because that takes a bit of meaning out of writing it down in my notepad in the first place. Suffice to say, the word annoys me to an extent, but it's still a useful word when used on occasion and where appropriate. Personally, I prefer the word plethora but another nicely situational word, not appropriate to every situation. For example, when one is talking to one not as literate as one's self, words such as plethora are not as useful as, say, collection. The meaning is not quite the same, but it gets the point across easier without them asking what said word means.
Have I mentioned how much I hate people? Yes. People. Slow people in particular. They seem to think that just because they don't have anywhere to be in a hurry, the rest of the world must slow down for them. I don't think much about those people, I'd rather get to where I have to be faster so I have time to relax a bit before whatever it is that I'm suposed to be doing. Or I would rather be some place sooner than later, either way. The point is that slow people are annoying. In fact, they're very annoying. Especially the ones who meander all over the place and make it impossible to pass without running through a glass window and while it could be fun to do that, I feel no need to make a spectacle out of trying to pass someone on the street or in the foyer of a building. People need to know where they are going before trying to get there so that they don't stand in the middle of a crowded hallway getting in other people's way.
Shadows. Shadows are so much fun. They're everywhere, yet not all the same time. Their true identities always hidden, always unknown to the beings that watch them with unknowing eyes, taking the darkness at face value rather than trying to see deeper into it. To walk with the shadows, shrouded by that which they cast, their undying presence. They cross into a realm where they aren't appreciated, aren't noticed, which is exactly how they like it. They remain unnoticed, unloved, uncared for, but they care not about any of that. They exist just like animals do, they exist to survive. Creeping away when they need to, staying when it's safe. They know when to be, and when not to. Their existence goes by unwatched by mortal eyes. I've always loved watching the shadows, and the things that stir under the cover of night. Few see the chaos under the still of night. In fact, there's an imp sitting on my shoulder reading what I'm typing right now. It's quite observant of things actually. I initially typed he, but it felt need to correct me into referring to it as an "it". It matters to it, apparently.
The ramblings of the insane. The ramblings of the mind. Oh how it relates to each other. But that depends. Some people lack the ability to ramble on about random things that make no sense to people. In fact, rambling about random things that make no sense to anyone is rather fun. I've found that some of the times I enjoy life most are those times when I'm rambling about nothing in particular. Just rambling for the sake of rambling. Be it about chairs, the metaphysical, something that matters, or nothing at all. Just rambling. But I don't ramble often. In fact, I'm often very quiet. Although I've done a lot better with talking than I was say...two years ago. The things that happen. We are shaped by our past, and our present. The future is undetermined.
I wish I could relax. Relaxing would be nice. In fact, it is probably very much needed. I have not been able to relax in quite some time. Well, that is not entirely true. I do relax every so often, but it's not as frequent as I probably need to. However, that is not the point. Still working out the administrative work down here at the university. As of now, I still do not have a schedule or are technically registered in any courses. I've been attending them, which probably doesn't mean a whole lot if I can't get the courses I want to get reinstated. Bastards. Get my fucking courses registered already. My hands are getting cold and I should probably eat soon. I've been writing randomly and rambling for the past hour and a half, and seeing as how I didn't eat breakfast, I should most definitely eat lunch. I feel like something healthy. No fast food today it would seem. Maybe I'll go home and make something instead. I could do that, or I could stay down here and go to a restaurant, but I don't really want to waste money on food right now when I don't need to. On the other hand, I am hungry. The question now becomes whether or not I can wait before putting something into my stomach.
We got some new cold/flu medication, took a bit of that this morning. They say nondrowsy, but I never really trust them when they say that. I tend to assume that it will make me drowsy and if it doesn't, great. Hey, either way, between the dimetap and the stuff I had this morning, the stuffy and runny nose is going away faster. Cough is still there, but not as frequent and it'll go away in time.
Downloaded "Missing" on Sunday as well, ok song I suppose, well, it's not bad, just a tad on the slower side. That doesn't make it bad, just different than what I normally listen to. Damned cough. There it goes again. Oh well. Hopefully it will pass before too long. What was it that I was wring about again? Does it matter? Not really. I'm writing about anything that pops into mind for me to say and write. These computer labs are a tad on the chilly side. That's why I always preferred the cafe, but I can't get wireless unless I have a schedule and can get my card renewed. Damned universities. Too many layers and tapes to go through to get something simple done.
Who even reads what I ramble about? Does it really matter to anyone? Does it matter what I think, what I see, what I feel? Or am I just talking to myself and no one will ever read what I write or care about what I have to say? Maybe one day I'll be able to look back on what I've written and see what life was like now and compare to how different it'd be then. Or maybe I'll have faded away into nothing before then, lost to the shadows, not sought after or remembered. Will someone stare up into nothing and ask isn't something missing?


Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sick, tired, sick and tired

Feels like it's been a long time since I've posted anything. In fact, it probably has been a long time since I've posted anything. Why? Haven't felt like it when I've been here, haven't been at a computer when I've wanted to. Been sick for the past few days, staying in bed hasn't exactly done wonders for my mind, but nonetheless, a necessary evil. When the mind is well, the body suffers, and for the body to do well, the mind suffers. Not much you can really do about it, such is the way life is.
There is always push and pull in all things. For one thing to do well, one must suffer. For everything that suffers, something will do well. There is a direct correlation between it all. Perhaps I could just be imagining it, but anyways, such is the way I see it. So, in the weeks that I haven't been writing, what have I been up to? Well, first is dealing with all the crap from the university. I wait 4 months for them to tell me to wait until tomorrow, to wait for them to tell me wait a week. I still don't have classes technically, but I am attending them anyways. The payment deadline is passed, but I still don't know if they've dealt with registration or not. I have a feeling I'm going to have to go yell at some more people. So stressful. But so is life, so that's not saying a whole hell of a lot.
I haven't been able to paint, haven't been able to get into the mood for it. In fact, what have I been in the mood for? Self-mutilation mostly, but I haven't acted out on those urges since the last time. I don't exactly recall when that was though. Few weeks. Maybe a month or so. I don't recall, my concept of time has been fleeting as of late. I've been working on songs, but I haven't gotten very far on them, they're all stuck past the second verse and chorus, but waiting until I can think without a headache is probably a better idea than working on them at the moment.
Lots of water, lots of kleenex. That's what the past 2 days have been like. Water and kleenex. Boxes and boxes of 'em. It seems like the more I try to make people happy, the more I succeed in doing the reverse. Amusingly, having watermelon chunks is actually succeeding in cheering me up ever so slightly. Not sure how or why that is, just is I suppose. Funny how my mood swings tend to fluctuate between depressed and angry. Every so often, it'll jump to neutral, but usually not for very long. Happy? I haven't had a whole lot to be happy about.
What do I feel like doing. It's sunday, not a whole lot of things are going to be open for much longer. I could just go for a walk. Maybe go sit somewhere for a while just to sit alone and be away from everybody. Maybe that would help. Of course, last time I did that, I still remember exactly what happened. Read, paint, maybe. But I'm really sick of being inside, and I just don't feel like doing either of the above.
I'm sick of a lot of things. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with crap from the university and at home. What I've felt, what I've known, never shined through in what I've shown, never be, never see, won't see what might have been, what I've felt, what I've known, never shined through in what I've shown, never see, never be, so I dub thee unforgiven. I've always said songs have always been more than just lyrics and music to me. They are. Always have been.
I'm not sure what to do with myself right now. Maybe I'll go for that walk afterall.