Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sick, tired, sick and tired

Feels like it's been a long time since I've posted anything. In fact, it probably has been a long time since I've posted anything. Why? Haven't felt like it when I've been here, haven't been at a computer when I've wanted to. Been sick for the past few days, staying in bed hasn't exactly done wonders for my mind, but nonetheless, a necessary evil. When the mind is well, the body suffers, and for the body to do well, the mind suffers. Not much you can really do about it, such is the way life is.
There is always push and pull in all things. For one thing to do well, one must suffer. For everything that suffers, something will do well. There is a direct correlation between it all. Perhaps I could just be imagining it, but anyways, such is the way I see it. So, in the weeks that I haven't been writing, what have I been up to? Well, first is dealing with all the crap from the university. I wait 4 months for them to tell me to wait until tomorrow, to wait for them to tell me wait a week. I still don't have classes technically, but I am attending them anyways. The payment deadline is passed, but I still don't know if they've dealt with registration or not. I have a feeling I'm going to have to go yell at some more people. So stressful. But so is life, so that's not saying a whole hell of a lot.
I haven't been able to paint, haven't been able to get into the mood for it. In fact, what have I been in the mood for? Self-mutilation mostly, but I haven't acted out on those urges since the last time. I don't exactly recall when that was though. Few weeks. Maybe a month or so. I don't recall, my concept of time has been fleeting as of late. I've been working on songs, but I haven't gotten very far on them, they're all stuck past the second verse and chorus, but waiting until I can think without a headache is probably a better idea than working on them at the moment.
Lots of water, lots of kleenex. That's what the past 2 days have been like. Water and kleenex. Boxes and boxes of 'em. It seems like the more I try to make people happy, the more I succeed in doing the reverse. Amusingly, having watermelon chunks is actually succeeding in cheering me up ever so slightly. Not sure how or why that is, just is I suppose. Funny how my mood swings tend to fluctuate between depressed and angry. Every so often, it'll jump to neutral, but usually not for very long. Happy? I haven't had a whole lot to be happy about.
What do I feel like doing. It's sunday, not a whole lot of things are going to be open for much longer. I could just go for a walk. Maybe go sit somewhere for a while just to sit alone and be away from everybody. Maybe that would help. Of course, last time I did that, I still remember exactly what happened. Read, paint, maybe. But I'm really sick of being inside, and I just don't feel like doing either of the above.
I'm sick of a lot of things. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with crap from the university and at home. What I've felt, what I've known, never shined through in what I've shown, never be, never see, won't see what might have been, what I've felt, what I've known, never shined through in what I've shown, never see, never be, so I dub thee unforgiven. I've always said songs have always been more than just lyrics and music to me. They are. Always have been.
I'm not sure what to do with myself right now. Maybe I'll go for that walk afterall.



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