Thursday, June 30, 2005

quote of the day

Nothing much, just posting a quote that I just thought of today:

"The truth is as you perceive it, not as others perceive it for you."


Monday, June 27, 2005

No pictures this time

Just more ranting from me. Ranting and raving like a lunatic, that seems to be what I do best. Perhaps if they lock me up in a padded room, maybe I wouldn't end up doing things that aggravate me more. I reattached all the pieces of the hive tyrant that fell off when my mom dropped it (and HOW many times have I told her not to touch anything of mine?).

There was an auction at GW yesterday, I managed to get my hands on a few great deals: A box of 12 genestealers (so they're older models, big whoop, they're going to be my troops), an old lictor model to go with the new lictor I have (personally, I think the newer one looks SO much better), and a Red Terror (yay off-production-line models), all for $46 after taxes. Now I'm putting together what I can until I get better super glue and maybe a vise clamp and pins too. I got one leg on the lictor (the new model as in the one I got a few days ago, not the one I got yesterday), the torso and both of the lower scything talons on the Red Terror. Actually, the second scything talon is still being attached because this glue is horrible and takes forever to dry so I'm probably gonna get some at Home Depot or Canadian Tire, something that dries fast and I can use to put together both lictors and the Red Terror without trouble. I might need to make something that I can use as a vice clamp if it comes down to that.

Well, got my GoC quest. It looks interesting, shouldn't be too hard. Although getting people to run might be a bit more of a pain, but that's still doable so no big deal. Ok, I'm gonna go do something that's not rant and rave on here for some now.


Saturday, June 25, 2005

Last one for now, honest Posted by Hello

Another picture, same status, this one might be a little clearer Posted by Hello

Hive Tyrant as it is at the moment! Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Broken home, all alone

Listening to Papa Roach probably isn't doing my mental health any favours. I could listen to any of my other music, but as you probably know by now, my music isn't exactly cheery. Broken Home, Blanket of Fear, She Loves me not, Scars. Nice chain of songs. Guess it's time for another update on the hell that is my life.

I've finally managed to put the Hive Tyrant together, it's got Scything Talons and a Venom cannon, as well as all bio morphs. I still need to put the leg bits on, but I'm debating whether or not I even want to bother. Although it's probably supposed to be on there, so I should, but it's very annoying to put on because of how small a piece it is. I might just leave it off all together, I don't really know yet. Although I should probably decide before I start priming the model. Anyhow, I put on all the biomorphs I could think of and they should all be there now. I want to put wings on it. Yes. You heard me right. I want to put wings on the Hive Tyrant. It will probably overbalance the model, but it would make it look REALLY nice if I could get the right wings. What I'll probably do is paint up what I've already done then when I get the wings, do those seperately then just attach them. Atleast the model is metal so it won't overbalance too much..I hope. Although there is a lot of weight put on the legs, I'm not sure what it'd think of wings too.

I can't seem to fight these feelings, I'm caught in the middle of this, and my wounds are not healing, I'm stuck in between my parents, I wish I had someone to talk to, someone I could confide in, I just want to know the truth, I just want to know the truth! Want to know the truth...Does my father even care? if I'm sad or angry, you were never ever there, when I needed you, I hope you regret what you did, I think I know the truth, your father did the same to you! Did the same to you...I'm crying day and night now, what is wrong with me? I cannot fight now, I feel like a weak link, crying day and night now, what is wrong with me? I cannot fight now, I feel like a weak link...push it back inside me, a weak link...It feels bad to be alone, crying by yourself, living in a broken home, how I could I tell it, so all you could feel it, depression strikes hard, just my old earth would tell...she told me I'm the one, pain bottled up, 'bout to blow like a gun, stories that I tell are nonfiction, and you can't take it back cuz it's already done...

He said he's going to be late...again...for 2 more weeks, as always. Guess that means staying a month is now down to 2 weeks, or less. Most likely less, he'll probably have to leave early again. If he's just going to keep this up, I'd rather mom move back to Hong Kong and they can both live there and stay the fuck out of my life. That would work. I would be happier. They can be together and happier too. And if I can't make it? Then I don't survive. Simple as that. Survive or be trampled. I have no intentions of being trampled and if I have to survive on my own because everyone else is gone and has turned their back on me, so be it. But if you'd rather I be nonexistent, let me know.

I see red. Maybe it's just me and just my fault anyways.


Monday, June 20, 2005

Well, that's just fucking great.

Oh, get this. She left in down in the laundry by "mistake" and tried to give me some half-assed apology that she doesn't mean. Fucking bitch. "Oh, just go buy another one, it's just black right?" HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING THAT IS COMPLETELY UNIQUE FROM ANYTHING ELSE I WEAR?


And you say you know me? No fucking way. Fuck you.


Sunday, June 19, 2005


I get home, and the first thing I notice is that my favourite shirt is missing. If I don't find it or get it back, someone's head is going to roll.


Friday, June 17, 2005


I need to get the CD "Getting Away With Murder" by Papa Roach. Downloaded a few songs off of it, sounds good.

Songs of the day - Blanket of Fear, Scar, Getting away with murder

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Rhythm and Rhyme without a song to go by

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe you can tell me what it is. Tell me what it is because I just don't know what to say, what do think, what to do anymore. Overreacting, analyzing, too much thinking, not enough being. What is it that I say, what is it that I do. Who knows? Who cares? It's not as if it matters in the end anyways. I know that I'm not composing, but still I speak in rhythm, speak in rhyme because that's what I know how to do, still, for now, no matter what it is. But no one now will hear my words, hear the voices, hear the calling. No one now will care to see, the things they do, they things they say. Reaction to their action, I'm not spinning a tune, I'm just spinning my thoughts, weaving the web as a complex pattern of words and rhythm without a song. No more words, nothing to see, my thoughts are now as you see them to be. Maybe I'll live, maybe I'll die, tomorrow is just another day inside. Maybe these thoughts are elementary, but in the end it's nothing but propriety. Just another thing that you see and to say that it's all, just another simple oversight, nothing important at all. Would you decide to toss me away and kick me aside, not like I mean any more than another pain from within. Watch the word spin slowly and fade to grey and brown, another day, another way, I'm nothing here now.



Dreams bad, bad dreams. No good, very bad. Very very bad. Ungood indeed. Premonition maybe. Bad feeling. No good. Very very bad. Bad. Bad bad. Getting worse. Unshakeable. Bye? Ungood. No good. Bad. Badbad..


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Small Two Pieces...

Run through the cold of the night
As passion burns in your heart
Ready to fight, a knife held close by your side
Like a proud wolf alone in the dark
With eyes that watch the world
And my name like a shadow
On the face of the moon

Broken mirror, a million shades of light
The old echo fades away
But just you and I
Can find the answer
And then, we can run to the end of the world
We can run to the end of the world

Cold fire clenched to my heart
In the blue of night
Torn by this pain, I paint your name in sound
And the girl of the dawn with eyes of blue, and angel wings
The songs of the season are her only crown

Broken mirror, a million shades of light
The old echo fades away
But just you and I
Can find the answer
And then, we can run to the end of the world
We can run to the end of the world

We met in the mist of morning
And parted deep in the night
Broken sword and shield, and tears that never fall
But run through the heart
Washed away by the darkest water
The world is peaceful and still

Broken mirror, a million shades of light
The old echo fades away
But just you and I
Can find the answer
And then, we can run to the end of the world
We can run to the end of the world

- Small Two Pieces, Xenogears OST


Sunday, June 12, 2005


Bregan wonders 'stats?'
You say 'can't say'
Bregan wonders 'why?'
Bregan wonders 'you dont know?'
You say 'just can't say anything about it'
Bregan raises an eyebrow.
Bregan says 'I dont understand...what you mean can't'
Bregan boggles in complete incomprehension.
You say 'I just can't'
Bregan purses his lips and goes 'pffffffth!!!!!'
Bregan says 'charming'
Bregan wonders 'were you planning to hold other information back from your guildmates if you succeed in your application?'
You say 'There are certain things that I am simply not allowed to disclose. This is one of them that is information privy to the order.'
Bregan says 'ah i see...well, at least that's not so vague. Thanks for the explaination'
Bregan wonders 'save me reading the logs of your interview...which order are you in? and what chars?'
You say 'I am Inconnu.'
Bregan says 'nm...I found it'
Bregan wonders 'so why join GoC?'
You say 'I believe my reasons are right in the interview, I have friends here, and I spend a lot of time here anyways'
Bregan says 'yes, I read the interview'
Bregan says 'I wanted to hear it from you personally :)'
You seem to get a laugh from something saying, "heh heh heh".
Bregan says 'because we won't be as much of a headache, it says, and because you want to chat with people here...I agree the atmosphere is relaxed and laid back here...very friendly place :)'
You say 'well, it's just more laid back :P'
You say 'very different '
Bregan says 'yes, I always liked that about GoC'
Bregan says 'more of a family...not so much politics and pressure'
Bregan says 'just a place to hang out and stuff'
You nod solemnly.
Bregan says 'Daos says 'I think I can offer a hand when one is'
Bregan says 'needed, as well as knowledge and experience when it's wanted.'
Bregan says 'you said...'
Bregan wonders 'but that would be with the exception of information you consider privy to your the light?'
Bregan wonders 'right?'
You nod solemnly.
You say 'I will not betray my order'
Bregan says 'I mean I dont expect run notes...I know how tough the furies are'
Bregan says 'and , I would hope that you would not betray it'
Bregan says 'I am in RB and I feel the same way'
Bregan smiles happily.
You nod solemnly.
Bregan says 'ps, as COC I will have to vote on that's why I'm 20 questions here :)'
You seem to get a laugh from something saying, "heh heh heh".
Bregan ruffles your hair playfully.
You grin.
You say 's'all good'
Bregan giggles.
Bregan says 'in truth everyone seems rather dazzled by you, so I doubt my vote will have much are likely to be a shoe-in...'
Bregan giggles.
You seem to get a laugh from something saying, "heh heh heh".
Bregan says 'that in itself, though, for me, also makes me wonder heh'
Bregan shrugs helplessly.
You say 'I just try to be myself, no fancy gimics'
Bregan nods solemnly.
Bregan says 'good :)'
Bregan says 'this place is all about being yourself'
You nod solemnly.
Bregan says 'it is encouraging to hear that you like dirty carrots, thought'
Bregan says 'though*'
Bregan says 'that's always a plus :P'
You grin.
You say 'nothing wrong with dirty carrots'
Bregan says 'anyway, I wont keep pestering you :P thanks for taking the time to talk to me and stuff :)'
Bregan hugs you.
You nod solemnly.
You slurp Bregan!
You say 'np'
Bregan grabs a towel and dries himself off.


Saturday, June 11, 2005

Obviously, no one

Time and time again, I find myself sitting here in this very chair, under these same circumstances posting here as I always do. Why? I don't know. Does anyone even care what's on my mind? I don't know. Sometimes, I think yes, other times no. Do I care sometimes what I do to myself? Not really, and when it seems like no one else does, definitely not. I've been sitting here all day with the A/C off and the window open. The air coming in is hotter and humider than the air temperature inside, and my room is generally about 5 degrees hotter than the rest of the apartment. Feels like I'm drowning in the air and baking in a sauna at the same time. Been having trouble breathing all day. Whatever though. It's not anyone cares right now if anything happens to me. If I vanished off the face of the earth, who'd even notice? Maybe they would, in a few weeks. No. That's being a bit too optimistic. Years. That's more accurate.

Why should anyone care? Do they have a reason to? Is there any use for me in the lives of people other than just a hinderance and disturbance? Yeah. No, obviously no one does right now. That's fine. Fuck the world. Fuck life. Block, ignore, pretend I don't exist. What other ways are there? I'm sure I'm on many people's block and ignore lists. I'm sure many others pretend I don't exist. If you want me to not exist, simply say so, and I won't.

Listening to a bunch of Weird Al Yankovich songs that I downloaded, have about 20 still queued waiting to download. Hoping those go through soon, I want the rest of the songs. Weird Al is keeping my mood strangely grounded. I don't know whether to laugh, be angry, be happy or break down. I don't know what the fuck I even want to do or not right now. Life is as life will be, as will people.

This room is only mildly beginning to cool down, still can't really breath. I blame the humidity. Nothing else. Well, if I choke on air, who will notice enough to give me life again?


Wednesday, June 01, 2005

And if I should fall here and now, who would be there, show me that they're still around?

Ok, well, Anime North is done for another year, and it's had a few days to wind down which of course means that I'm back at home sitting around trying to get a job, and being lazy the rest of the time. Sitting here having lunch at the moment, letting the time pass me by. It's depressingly bright outside. Most people don't seem to find it depressing when it's bright, of course, most people also tell me I'm strange and being who I am, I am bound to oppose the general concensus unless I've deemed fit to do different.

As per usual, I did my scouring of rare and random things in the dealer room, and I managed to find one of the things I was looking for, although I couldn't get the other. Managed to find the complete Devil Hunter Yohko box set, all 6 episodes of it, plus a few extras. The fourth episode is cute, it's nothing but music videos. Still looking for another really old Anime that I can't seem to find. I have 3 episodes on VHS that we copied over from laserdisc, but I have no clue what it's called, although with a bit of searching, I could probably find it. It has giant robots, but predated DVD so it'll be hard to find.

Food is good. Usually. Food is not good when it makes your stomach do backflips and somersaults simultaneously on itself, but still is a necessity of life. There are other things that one needs in order to survive, but I will not go into all of them. I've been getting very annoyed by these dreams lately. I've written 2 songs in my dreams now and I can't remember them enough to be able to put them down on paper. Hell, if I could remember any of it, I'd be able to figure the rest out by memory eventually, but I can't even remember one line, let alone the rest of it. It even had music, which is what confuses me more, I had wrote words and music to it, but I can't remember for the life of me what it is. Whatever. Sooner or later, I'll remember what it is, or I'll write it. Listening to some Hoobastank right now, gonna put on 3 doors down, Hatebreed or Sevendust soon I think. My DamagePlan CD is still in the drive, I should probably take that out before I forget I have it in there.

There, CD is out of the drive and food is all done. Probably need to get outside now, I hate being in here. Go out and do what? Does it even matter? Not really. So long as I'm not at home. Which of course, now begs the question again, where do I go and what do I do? I could go to the arcade and putz around for a bit, or I could say, go for a walk. It's too damn bright outside, it might even be warm. Yay. Warm would be nice. Warm would be very nice. I think I'm going to go for that walk.