Saturday, June 11, 2005

Obviously, no one

Time and time again, I find myself sitting here in this very chair, under these same circumstances posting here as I always do. Why? I don't know. Does anyone even care what's on my mind? I don't know. Sometimes, I think yes, other times no. Do I care sometimes what I do to myself? Not really, and when it seems like no one else does, definitely not. I've been sitting here all day with the A/C off and the window open. The air coming in is hotter and humider than the air temperature inside, and my room is generally about 5 degrees hotter than the rest of the apartment. Feels like I'm drowning in the air and baking in a sauna at the same time. Been having trouble breathing all day. Whatever though. It's not anyone cares right now if anything happens to me. If I vanished off the face of the earth, who'd even notice? Maybe they would, in a few weeks. No. That's being a bit too optimistic. Years. That's more accurate.

Why should anyone care? Do they have a reason to? Is there any use for me in the lives of people other than just a hinderance and disturbance? Yeah. No, obviously no one does right now. That's fine. Fuck the world. Fuck life. Block, ignore, pretend I don't exist. What other ways are there? I'm sure I'm on many people's block and ignore lists. I'm sure many others pretend I don't exist. If you want me to not exist, simply say so, and I won't.

Listening to a bunch of Weird Al Yankovich songs that I downloaded, have about 20 still queued waiting to download. Hoping those go through soon, I want the rest of the songs. Weird Al is keeping my mood strangely grounded. I don't know whether to laugh, be angry, be happy or break down. I don't know what the fuck I even want to do or not right now. Life is as life will be, as will people.

This room is only mildly beginning to cool down, still can't really breath. I blame the humidity. Nothing else. Well, if I choke on air, who will notice enough to give me life again?



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