And for all this...

And when I don't want to be civil, I have to be because I'm not representing myself. Well, fuck. I don't feel like civil, I don't feel like not swearing, I don't feel like a lot of things. I'm about to go home. I'm downtown, I've been coding, this stupid thing fairly nonstop. I fixed one thing, trying to work out the logistics and code the rest of it. It isn't easy. Whatever. I'll do what I can. I'll do it well, and there will be no complaints about it. So Reuel comes walking to the guild asking what he can do to "improve" himself so he get in. I thought I was very civil about explaining why. He still doesn't seem to get it. Whatever. I only used the hammer. I didn't use the sledge and the mallet wasn't doing the trick. So, because I have to represent the guild in this regard, I think I handled the situation very well. Considering I was ready to rip his fucking head off. Considering I'd gladly kill the next person who crosses me on the street right now, I think I kept control of myself pretty fucking well.
I've been losing my temper a lot today. Seems like everytime I'm talking to someone today, I'm losing my temper for no reason. Maybe it's a combination of things. It most likely is. Stress overload. Other problems. Lots of other problems. I'm not sure how many people read this, but to those who I snapped at without provocation, I apologize. I decided to tackle the mountain while trying to climb out of the pit that it sat above. Not exactly the smartest thing to do. I made my choice, and if I dug my grave, so be it. Another 20 minutes, then I will leave. Coding all day makes me go crazy. Of course, I already am, but that is clearly not the point. Whatever. I am responsible for what I do. I can only do my best to stay in control when I really can't. Clearly, my control is breaking. Or atleast, if not already, on the verge of. Few more days before finals. No breaking. Hanging on somehow. Will I dig myself out of this hole just to find everyone gone? Perhaps. Maybe that is what these bad days, weeks and months will get me. I try so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

Only time will tell.


~Damon



~Damon

Notebook...........!

Notebook, notebook, whee! Notebook. Yeah, I know, I get absurdly happy over the silliest things like a new notebook. That being said, today was both productive (a little bit anyways), frustrating (because Mason is a bloody horrible prof who doesn't know what the hell he's doing and keeps changing HIS code because there are a ton of errors in it), and tiring. Doing that much brain work and then having to try to figure out why Mason's code wasn't working, then trying to figure out 706. All in all, I'm cranky, tired, in pain, fighting off the effects of the food poisoning, trying to make appointments every which way, needing to get prescriptions for things that I need to take (yes, acid reflux hurts, it really really does...no, Nexium isn't in the antacids aisle), still fighting off the effects of the food poisoning (almost gone, I swear), joints are complaining about the weather...but I got a new notebook. Which somehow, almost makes up for all the shit that's happened. Ok, not quite, but what the hell, it sounds good to say. A little bit anyways, I'm sure it probably doesn't, but meh.

Assignment to be submitted and demo'd tomorrow. Going in early to work out the final kinks in it before submission. Hopefully, it'll work, and we'll get a good mark on it. Hopefully anyways. It's hard to say for certain how we'll do on these assignments, just gotta do what we can and hope that it all turns out for the best. Whatever. Complete, demo, submit, wait and see. That's the order that will be done, that is what shall come to pass. You know, I'll never understand why they moved Smackdown! from Thursday to Friday. I liked it in the Thursday night slot. Thursday tends to be my "You'll be at home anyways, so why not watch something you actually enjoy?" day. Oh well. What IS on Thursday nights anyways? ER? I don't know. Meh, whatever. Well, whatever, I need to go make myself something to eat and get something warm to drink. You people know what to do if you need to get a hold of me, leave a message or call. I'm not much of one for making phone calls.

Ok, so I ate, and I feel like editing this post. Why? I don't know. Just a feeling. I have a lot of those. Or rather, I get a lot of those. Gut feelings. Especially when I'm having stomach cramps. That's ok. So after a bad day, I'm listening to Simple Plan. I'm so good to myself. Well, what can I say? Great way to end the day, feeling even shittier than this morning. Most excellent. I should probably have confirmation for the appointment by tomorrow. I still need to make a psychiatrist and doctor appointment. But atleast it'll be 1/3 out of the way. Maybe I'm the one in the way. Should I go off somewhere and simply not exist to the rest of the world? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I'm not sure. What do you think is a good idea? It's not like people would want to just talk to me anyways. Even for 5 minutes. Such is life. That's ok. Everyone's always too busy with something or the other to take those 5 minutes, those same 5 minutes that I'm willing to spare for people. Calling people at 11:30 also doesn't seem like something I should do, if only for the simple fact that it is more likely to just have people more annoyed at me than anything. So does that mean I should go and not exist? Vanish and fade into the lifestream? such are the thoughts that go through my head. Overanalyze, always thinking of worst case scenarios? Maybe that's how I always get myself stressed out even more than I already am. Always expecting the worst in every situation. Well, ok, not necessarily the worst, just something that I know would upset me. Such is the way I am, there is nothing that I do to change that.

Coding coding, lots of coding. Coding coding, even more coding. Coding coding. I hate coding. I absolutely loathe and abhor coding and programming right now. Most likely due to the fact that I've done so much of it recently and it's been so bloody frustrating because it never works. Maybe I'll make that phone call afterall. Why? Even though I know it'll most likely just upset me depending on the reaction? Masochistic tendencies. Something like that anyways. It's amusing to read through what I write and notice the mood swings from paragraph to paragraph. Manic to depressive to something else entirely. Suicidal? Homicidal? Everything in between that too? Am I just that bad? I would say so. In fact, I would say I'm downright horrendous. My presence only serves to aggitate and cause problems. But then again, what else is new. Such has been what my presence has done in the past. I'm sure that it will continue to do the same. Nonetheless, I'm sure people are enjoying themselves now. Think I haven't been around as much? I've been busy as hell. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I do actually do work. I do actually work my ass off on these things. For what? No one gives a fuck how I do anyways. If I'm not doing well, the typical reaction tends to be to run away and wait for me to simmer out first. Don't want me to break any good moods or anything now.

In case you were wondering where that rant came from? I blame my father.




~Damon
There's a young boy sitting in his room beside the box of toys, he watched the forms pass by the window and pressed his face up to glass...

Yeah, I know, dots don't comprise of a subject line

I swear, I try to get up early for class, and I end up waking up an hour late. So typical of what it's been over the past few weeks. Not even for the other classes, for this one class in particular. Bloody morning classes. I'll have my coffee here at the very least then. I'm supposed to be more vocal, or if not more vocal I'm supposed to atleast write everything down and make a thought record of some kind. I'm not sure if the writing in my notebook counts since what I write tends to encompass the first 3 columns of it and a bit of the 4th and 5th columns too.
Bring only what you need to survive, they burned an image from the on my face, they stole it from the pages that kept my place. I stand on the outside would die to get in, I crawl inside just to begin again. Shinedown is good. I think so anyways. People are free to have their own opinions. Maybe it's because the songs have more meaning to me when I look deeper into the lyrics which I enjoy doing. I love their style of music though. The fact that all they use is off-keys is amazing and something most bands aren't willing to do. It's so hard to get it right, but they just do it so well. There's something that I feel needs to be said about music. Keep in mind that this is strictly from my opinion and you are free to disagree with me however you wish.
One of the things that makes music what it is, is the emotion and feeling that comes from it. Raw energy is something that is nice, but if it has no thought or no emotion in it, then it will always seem lacking. It will lack something that is noticeable. Something very noticeable in fact. I don't know if anyone else notices or even cares really, but to me, if music lacks that one thing, it doesn't seem like music. There's a different air about it. But when I say feeling, emotion and thought, I'm not referring to music that is either happy-bouncy-yay, or corny love songs that you hear from soft rock and oldies stations. Take the song Leila by Eric Clapton, that is an amazing song, yet it's not terribly fast, nor jumpy or rhythmic. There's something you can get out of the words and the tone, and watching him perform it that you can't get from anything else. Maybe because he's not talking about something random or not something that didn't happen, but something that actually happened and had real meaning to him. That would do it eh? That's one of the things some people don't understand about writing music. You need to keep it real. If the music doesn't have special meaning to you, it won't make an impact on other people. Music is life, it comes from inside, not on a surface level.
Happy music is depressing. Why? Because it makes me wonder if those people have ever really lived. If they have ever seen the bad side of life. They get so wrapped up in their celebrity status and forget that life isn't all about the good and the mundane. As they tell us in group, you can't ignore the bad. But don't discount the good either. Yeah right. How do you discount the good when there hasn't been much good to come about lately? Answer me that and maybe I won't discount the good. There's a positive way to look at every situation? Right about now, I don't want to. I'm suppose to pick out the one or two good things out of a mountain of everything else? I don't have the energy to. Try so hard to fight to survive despite it all and for what? So I can have groups I work with not listen to me? People always vanishing and running off? To have people yelling for no reason? I fight because it is in my blood, it is my nature. Survival is just that. Survival. My existence is just that. Survival. There's no end to it. It is just fight after fight after fight. Struggling to exist and live in a world that simply doesn't care. I tread my own path. No thoughts, no hopes, no wishes, just the desire to survive and the desire to fight. Animals survive because they have the will to survive. This wolf broke from the pack long ago to walk the solitary path. The pack cares not for one who strays from their main path. That's fine. It isn't about the final destination, it's about how you get there.
I tread along the broken path to keep stepping in the potholes. Stumble and fall, I'll crawl if I have to. The reality of pain, masked by an illusion of fortitude. If no one should come to take my hand, then I'll keep falling and crawling along until the broken glass finally kills me.


~Damon

..

Hey dad, look at me. Think back and talk to me, did I grow up according to plan? And do you think I'm wasting my time, doing things I want to do? But it hurts when you disapprove all along. And now I tried hard to make it, I just wanna make you proud, but I'm never gonna be good enough for you. I can't pretend that I'm alright. And you can't change me, 'cause we've lost it all, nothing lasts forever, I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now it's just too late and we can't go back, I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I try not to think about the pain I feel inside, did you know you used to be my hero? All the days you spend with me, now seem so far away, and it feels like you don't care anymore. And now I try hard to make it, I just wanna make you proud, but I'm never gonna be good enough for you, I can't stand another fight. And nothing's alright, 'cause we've lost it all, nothing lasts forever I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now it's just too late and we can't go back, I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Nothing's gonna change the things that you said. Nothing's gonna make this right again, please don't turn your back, I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you but you don't understand. 'Cause we've lost it all, nothing lasts forever, I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now it's just too late, and we can't go back, I'm sorry I can't be perfect. 'Cause we've lost it all, nothing lasts forever, I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now it's just too late, and we can't go back, I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

Facing, coping and dealing huh? Nice lot of memories to have to go through. Nice in the "I don't want to but I'm doing this somehow for some reason or another". 2 major assignments and 2 exams to worry about on top of all that, as well as all the other problems that are normally present. So many things to have to deal with and worry about. The more I sit around doing the work I'm supposed to, the more things that come to mind, the more memories, thoughts and feelings. I'm going crazy in my mind, yet the crazier I get, the more alone I seem to become. This may or may not be the case, but the point still stands that it isn't particularly easy to deal with. Nonetheless, I survive. At least for now I do. So how have I been doing. Honestly? Not too hot. Downright freezing. The calm before the storm huh? Guess this storm will be pretty bad.

Fight on, ride on, stormrider, stormrider

Weakness is pain leaving the body. The more pain one suffers through in their lifetime, the stronger they become for the next burden that they deal with. How would I know that? To me, life is nothing but one big fight. One pain is not numbing. Pain is no longer numbing. Pain is release. Pain is the feeling that one feels if one tends to care in the first place. What if I stopped caring? Would pain no longer hurt then? Most likely not. Pain is pain. Measure of pain, measure of fear, measure of vengeance. There is nothing that helps the situation really. In the end, I am bitter, I am me. To be bitter is part of who I am. Bitter at life, bitter at people, bitter at everything. Why? Because that is the way I am, that is my nature. You can't have the good without the bad. I take more of the bad then the good. That's fine. Right about now, frankly, I don't give a fuck about a whole hell of a lot. I could end up in the hospital and right about now, I don't think I would give a fuck. I'd hate it, and I wouldn't know what would happen to me, but right now, that doesn't matter at all. I realized that for me to be at my best, I have to be spiteful, I have to be hateful, I have to be...me. Vengeance, pain. Bring only what you need to survive. Survival of the fittest. Fight on, ride on, stormrider, stormrider.



~Damon

Yes, that's right, 2 songs....Shadow of Doubt

Shadow of Doubt



The days, they pass us by
And still I'm waiting here
Sit and watch as grey fades into grey
I close my eyes, and hide the lies
From the flashing lights up there
And nothing fades to black and white
Anymore, I see the way

I cast the shadows on my face
To mask the ain I try to hide
Exploding in, another multitude of lies
The lights go off, I won't walk away
Await those words you'd never say
As the sun slowly sets
Into the last dawn I'll see

The clouds, they'll roll away
And the sky turns blue and grey
I see the flash, here and now I wait for rain
I'll light beacon, and guide the way
To be never lost again
Even if the sun will never rise
Anymore, you'll find your way

While I cast the shadows on my face
To mask the pain I hide inside
Exploding in, an endless multitude of lies
The lights go off, I won't walk away
Await those words you'd never say
As the sun slowly sets
Into the last dawn I'll see

Hide away, fade to grey
While here I'm falling
Hide away, fade to grey

Morning comes, with open eyes
Greet the light they call despair
Nights to days, joys to tears and the other way
Warm and cold, duality
It's never simple as black and white
But they'll never hear my voice again
Anymore, I know the way

I cast the shadows on my face
To mask the pain I try to hide
Exploding in, another multitude of lies
When the lights go off I won't find my way
I'll wait for words you may never say
As the sun slowly sets
Into the last dawn for me

While I cast the shadows on my face
To mask the pain I hide inside
Exploding in, an endless multitude of lies
When the lights go off, I won't walk away
I'll wait for words you may never say
As the sun slowly sets
Into the last dawn for me

Unshed Tears

Unshed Tears


I'm walking alone, into the night
While falling apart again
I lay down my head, and close my eyes
Slide into endless slumber
No one will see
Or know this pain inside of me

Nothing ever goes rewarded
Nothing will come back the same
The price I pay for loyalty
Is to watch you turn away
Just another pain I've buried
Just throw away the unshed tears
I'm all alone in my despair

The rain is falling, that's okay
Not like I see it anyways
I wipe the tears now, from my eyes
While raindrops tear me up inside
No one will see
Or know this pain inside of me
No one will take my hand
And say the words "I miss you"
No one will cry for me
No one will see my grave

Nothing ever goes rewarded
Nothing will come back the same
The price I pay for loyalty
Is to watch you turn away
Just another pain I've buried
Just throw away the unshed tears
I'm all alone in my despair

I hear your voice inside my head
I hear you call my name again
Reached out for you
But you were just not there

The sun is now gone, it fades to night
It's not like I care as the dark replaced my life
I feel this pain, slowly tearing me away
While it pulls me to this grave

Nothing ever goes rewarded
Nothing will come back the same
The price I pay for loyalty
Is to watch you turn away
Just another pain I've buried
Just throw away the unshed tears

Nothing ever goes rewarded
Nothing will come back the same
The price I pay for loyalty
Is to watch you turn away
Just another pain I've buried
Just throw away the unshed tears
Don't shed those tears you saved for me