Tuesday, November 29, 2005

And for all this...

And when I don't want to be civil, I have to be because I'm not representing myself. Well, fuck. I don't feel like civil, I don't feel like not swearing, I don't feel like a lot of things. I'm about to go home. I'm downtown, I've been coding, this stupid thing fairly nonstop. I fixed one thing, trying to work out the logistics and code the rest of it. It isn't easy. Whatever. I'll do what I can. I'll do it well, and there will be no complaints about it. So Reuel comes walking to the guild asking what he can do to "improve" himself so he get in. I thought I was very civil about explaining why. He still doesn't seem to get it. Whatever. I only used the hammer. I didn't use the sledge and the mallet wasn't doing the trick. So, because I have to represent the guild in this regard, I think I handled the situation very well. Considering I was ready to rip his fucking head off. Considering I'd gladly kill the next person who crosses me on the street right now, I think I kept control of myself pretty fucking well.
I've been losing my temper a lot today. Seems like everytime I'm talking to someone today, I'm losing my temper for no reason. Maybe it's a combination of things. It most likely is. Stress overload. Other problems. Lots of other problems. I'm not sure how many people read this, but to those who I snapped at without provocation, I apologize. I decided to tackle the mountain while trying to climb out of the pit that it sat above. Not exactly the smartest thing to do. I made my choice, and if I dug my grave, so be it. Another 20 minutes, then I will leave. Coding all day makes me go crazy. Of course, I already am, but that is clearly not the point. Whatever. I am responsible for what I do. I can only do my best to stay in control when I really can't. Clearly, my control is breaking. Or atleast, if not already, on the verge of. Few more days before finals. No breaking. Hanging on somehow. Will I dig myself out of this hole just to find everyone gone? Perhaps. Maybe that is what these bad days, weeks and months will get me. I try so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

Only time will tell.




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