Monday, October 17, 2005

And if I should break, if I should fall..

Walked around my good intentions, found that there were none. I blamed my father for the wasted years, we hardly talked, I never thought I would forget this hate, and a phone call made me realize I'm wrong..and if I don't make it know that, I loved you all along, just like sunny days that, we ignore because, we're all dumb and jaded, and I hope to god I figure out what's wrong.

4am, by Our Lady Peace. This song always makes me think that maybe one day, things will be ok between my parents and I. Maybe. Too far into the future. I don't know how many ways I can say I hate them. I would run out of words after a while. Run out of ways to say it because right now, it knows no limits. Maybe moving out and distance from them would do well in fixing things. I don't know, I really don't know. Frankly, I don't care. I want them out of my life, I want them gone from it, so I can live without having them question my every thought and action nonstop. I don't think they even realize what they have done, and still do to me. But of course, because it is a negative comment on them, they'd just block it out, pretend it has nothing to do with them and proceed to blame everything on me as they always do. Used to it by now, most of it just washes over me and frankly I just don't care enough about them to do anything bad to them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, leaving before they want me to is more than enough, and that is one of my goals. Get a job, find a way to support myself, get a place of my own, find a way to fund my education, and see if things get any better from there.

Someone once said to me that the most dangerous place for me to be was alone. Maybe they're right, maybe they aren't, maybe someone could confirm or deny that for me. Too many someone's. Well, I forget names sometimes, I've never had a good memory, and it's very blatantly obvious. I'm very good at making people want to go away apparently. Human de-magnetism. Yay. Whatever. I am who I am and if that is the effect I have on people so be it. I wish he'd stop calling me already. I hate him. I want him to leave me alone. I want them both to so that I can live my life again.

Enough ranting for now. Maybe. I'm hungry though, so I need food. Food, here we come.



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