Thursday, September 30, 2004

I forgot how good metal felt under the flesh.


Sunday, September 26, 2004

long time no post

Ok, I can cook, but let it be known that I cannot sew. In any way, shape or form, I can't sew. I don't know why I wrote that actually, more like a spur of the moment thing as I'm just sitting here staring out the window and listening to Shinedown and Evergrey. For the record, Evergrey rocks, saw them live a few months ago, they have a new CD that just came out (this month I think? I didn't check the release date of the CD) in limited edition form for now and they'll probably release a non-limited edition one cheaper later this year. Anyways, if you've never heard of Evergrey, I strongly strongly urge you to take a listen. I almost reworded the previous sentence...I must be out of it...really...

Killed the rabbit of caerbannog again this morning. Why? because I can. No other reason. I could've killed zyla, but didn't feel like spending 20mil when I'm already low on repair gold as is, so I just spent about 1mil on repairs instead (good ol' etched strand...saving me soooo much repair gold). Anyways, did it with a thief this time...past 2 times, its been with vamps. So both work, just gotta stay alive and beat it to death, nothing tricky. Speaking of rabbits...

I got a gmail account today. I was informed that I needed to have a gmail account so I made a gmail account. So for anyone who wants to send me big files, please don't try to send them to hotmail (they'll bounce), just send them to

cute huh? I figured it'd be fun for kicks. I find myself updating ever so much rarer ever since classes started. Well, go figure, I'm busier. Anyways, hotmail's going to be upgrading to 250megs of storage space later this year too, so that'll be ok.

2 Assignments. One due wednesday, one day next monday, I'll probably finish one this morning. I don't know if I have plans this afternoon, but there will apparently be a quest. I may or may not be home to do it. Haven't decided.

Haven't written much lately. Haven't been able to. Want to, but can't.

"The rope is here, now I'll find a use, I'll kill myself I put my head in the noose."
-Suicidal Dreams by Silverchair
Good suggestion to follow through on? You tell me. Maybe I am just selfish, maybe I don't care enough about people to be unable to deal with the 50 million things I have to deal with, then theirs on top of my own and then every other fucking problem that comes up out of nowhere. And what the fuck am I supposed to do when it seems like I'm the only one ever trying to do something about problems that other people come up with.

Try to help someone and get slapped around for it. Try to get closer to do something, get pushed away even more, thrown around. Maybe someone should just kill me now? Maybe, maybe not. Whatever, even if I did make the suggestion, you know full well, I'd fight back and defend myself should someone actually try. It's just the way I am.

I am a hypocrite. In more ways than one. But if I'm suggesting things to other people using ways to fix something they want me to fix and that fault exists in myself, atleast I know what needs to be done and am aware of the consequences.

That's not directed at anyone in particular, I'm just ranting as always. Don't mind me as always. I'm perfectly ignorable. In fact, just about everyone does it. Selective hearing, selective beliefs. I'm nothing but a shade, a shadow to the world, always there, never seen, never felt, just like if I had never been. But I'm here now, so I know I've still been something.

Its fun knowing that things you do have no impact on people. To realize that everything you say means nothing because something else is always more important. To know that the pain you feel will never be felt by others because nobody wants to get hurt. So what do you do when you like the pain? Embrace it, caress it, make it your own. Take the pain from others, make it a part of you...until you know nothing else. Until pain is no longer just pain, but ecstacy.


Saturday, September 11, 2004



I'm a bastard, I'm a freak
Object of hatred, as pain decreed
Forever wandering, let me bleed
Bend me, break me, its all you seek

Tossed away like all the rest
Another toy, used and abused
Watch me suffer, for that I'm raised
Imperfections, scars, that never mend

Thursday, September 09, 2004

yay, for all the shit days over the past 2 and a half weeks, today was a good day!

Well, classes started Tuesday and so far, they've been uneventful. I'm only taking 4 clasess this semester instead of 5 because I'm on probation, but atleast I'm still there huh? So far, the one blessing is that I've been able to get a wireless connection in most of the rooms so that will definitely help out.

Had an optometrist appointment earlier today. They were diallating my pupils, so for about 3 hours after that, I was, for all intensive purposes, blind. If you've ever had to have your pupils diallated, you'll know how what I'm talking about and how uncomfortable it is to have your pupils dialolated. Oh well, atleast I don't need a new prescription, but I have a prescription in case I need new glasses anyways, I shouldn't need it though, all should be good.

Saw The Exorcist with Amy. I liked it, but then again, I love horror films, and more than that, I loved the company (quite literally too!). Only morning lectures + spend time with Amy = good day.

Oh, and I also got a Piercing Genesis, got my dev thiefy up to 105dr and 1546hp! bwahahaha!

Nothing else to write atm, just wanted to keep something somewhat up to date on here while I'm not really home to post anything!


I'm here without you, but you're still on my lonely mind...

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Just another post

I find my posting here becoming somewhat erratic, as I find various things to do that occupy my time that do not involve the computer, such as paint, read or make decks, just all things that do not require me to sit in front of the computer for several hours at a time to do this and that. That all said, I think I've spent more time on the computer recently than I wish I had, its been a very long week.

Sometimes, I wished that there were more things for me to do than just sit around and be around the house. I mean, there are, but I don't always want to go out to the arcade and sometimes, just being outside is boring. Shift, what the fuck was that bug? it was a large flying thing about the length of a palm. Looked almost like a locust from over here, I didn't get closer to check, it was screeching really loudly though...annoying little thing. Whatever, so long as it doesn't get inside...

Well, chiro is definitely helping, I wonder what I've done to my body to make it so mad at me, I can imagine I've done a lot of things for it to be displeased at me, but I wonder what all of it is so I can check off which ones I no longer do and which ones I still have to stop doing.

Celestine is coming along nicely, I need to pick up some darker colours like purple and some dark grey ink, I'd like to see what the model looks like after its all done and painted, which of course, reminds me that I need to get better at painting, my skills are so rusty and atrocious right now.

Oh well, that's life eh?

Make the sadness go away
Come back another day
The things I've said and done
Don't matter to anyone
Still you push me to see
Something I could never be
Why am I their shattered king?
I don't mean anything
~Melancholy (holy martyr) by iced earth

so glad you're back...I love you....