Sunday, September 26, 2004

long time no post

Ok, I can cook, but let it be known that I cannot sew. In any way, shape or form, I can't sew. I don't know why I wrote that actually, more like a spur of the moment thing as I'm just sitting here staring out the window and listening to Shinedown and Evergrey. For the record, Evergrey rocks, saw them live a few months ago, they have a new CD that just came out (this month I think? I didn't check the release date of the CD) in limited edition form for now and they'll probably release a non-limited edition one cheaper later this year. Anyways, if you've never heard of Evergrey, I strongly strongly urge you to take a listen. I almost reworded the previous sentence...I must be out of it...really...

Killed the rabbit of caerbannog again this morning. Why? because I can. No other reason. I could've killed zyla, but didn't feel like spending 20mil when I'm already low on repair gold as is, so I just spent about 1mil on repairs instead (good ol' etched strand...saving me soooo much repair gold). Anyways, did it with a thief this time...past 2 times, its been with vamps. So both work, just gotta stay alive and beat it to death, nothing tricky. Speaking of rabbits...

I got a gmail account today. I was informed that I needed to have a gmail account so I made a gmail account. So for anyone who wants to send me big files, please don't try to send them to hotmail (they'll bounce), just send them to

cute huh? I figured it'd be fun for kicks. I find myself updating ever so much rarer ever since classes started. Well, go figure, I'm busier. Anyways, hotmail's going to be upgrading to 250megs of storage space later this year too, so that'll be ok.

2 Assignments. One due wednesday, one day next monday, I'll probably finish one this morning. I don't know if I have plans this afternoon, but there will apparently be a quest. I may or may not be home to do it. Haven't decided.

Haven't written much lately. Haven't been able to. Want to, but can't.

"The rope is here, now I'll find a use, I'll kill myself I put my head in the noose."
-Suicidal Dreams by Silverchair
Good suggestion to follow through on? You tell me. Maybe I am just selfish, maybe I don't care enough about people to be unable to deal with the 50 million things I have to deal with, then theirs on top of my own and then every other fucking problem that comes up out of nowhere. And what the fuck am I supposed to do when it seems like I'm the only one ever trying to do something about problems that other people come up with.

Try to help someone and get slapped around for it. Try to get closer to do something, get pushed away even more, thrown around. Maybe someone should just kill me now? Maybe, maybe not. Whatever, even if I did make the suggestion, you know full well, I'd fight back and defend myself should someone actually try. It's just the way I am.

I am a hypocrite. In more ways than one. But if I'm suggesting things to other people using ways to fix something they want me to fix and that fault exists in myself, atleast I know what needs to be done and am aware of the consequences.

That's not directed at anyone in particular, I'm just ranting as always. Don't mind me as always. I'm perfectly ignorable. In fact, just about everyone does it. Selective hearing, selective beliefs. I'm nothing but a shade, a shadow to the world, always there, never seen, never felt, just like if I had never been. But I'm here now, so I know I've still been something.

Its fun knowing that things you do have no impact on people. To realize that everything you say means nothing because something else is always more important. To know that the pain you feel will never be felt by others because nobody wants to get hurt. So what do you do when you like the pain? Embrace it, caress it, make it your own. Take the pain from others, make it a part of you...until you know nothing else. Until pain is no longer just pain, but ecstacy.



Post a Comment

<< Home