Tuesday, February 22, 2005

and when the night falls in around me, and I don't think I'll make it through...

2 days in a row. There must be something really wrong with my head if I'm posting two days in a row, but nonetheless, here I post anyways. It's been quite some time since I've been able to organize my thoughts into something coherent, in fact, as I write, my mind is trying to make heads and tails out of everything. But alas, they still don't make sense. I've been quieter than I already am normally and I assure you it's not for lack of things to say. Rather, lack of ability to sort them out into something that makes sense at the moment.

To say the past few weeks have been rough is an understatement. I'm still in the stage of detox at the moment, although the alcohol is mostly out of my bloodstream now. Putting both it, and then a large quantity of caffeine into my system was not a smart idea. Whatever. You do what you have to do and you live with your decisions. Don't worry, I'm not going to rant about how things have been in my life. I've done more than enough of that over the past few months and I feel you all deserve a break from listening to me rant. Ironically, having said that, I'm writing in my blog. Oh the ironies and hypocrisies of humans.

I realize I can be rather vague with my answers on anything. However, one must understand what another has gone through and has put up with throughout the weeks, months and years. Yet people will continue to be trapped in their small worlds completely oblivious to what happens around them. My mind is a pesscimistic one. It will take any situation and determine the worst of each and then presume that is the case. It's very difficult to try to break that habit. All things in time. I'm getting better about it all, maybe, or I was, am I still? I don't know. Only the next few weeks will tell.

Perhaps I'm not improving. Perhaps I'm simply regressing to the beast within. The rage, the anger, uncontrolled and untamed. I don't even know if anyone will read this, or if they do, I don't know if anyone cares. I'm sure there are people who want me to just drop off the face of the earth, and some who don't. If you wanted me to just vanish, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm here to stay.

It is the burden of the beast to watch as things happen as they will, to not do a thing about them until it is directly affected. As the days pass, I feel myself losing touch more and more. I find myself staring him in the eyes, watching and waiting for the final barrier to fall. He guards his domain carefully, watching and waiting for the final barrier to fall. They're all there waiting. The demon, the hunter, and the lost.

He sits on his throne, the hunter by his side, eyes glaring straight ahead as they wait. What they wait for? I don't know. Maybe they will tell me someday. They haven't so far, and I presume that they have their reasons for revealing what they choose to and hiding what they don't.

Pushing for the final cut, salt to sting the wounds. I'm getting ever closer to the edge, and beyond that, nothing.


Monday, February 21, 2005

22 days and running still...

When they talk about "fighting their inner demons", they obviously never took into account if you are your own "inner demon". The demon that lives inside me has never gone away, not ever since that day. I have no intention of getting rid of it either. It's rather comfortable having a demon living inside you, although I have to admit the initial process that gave it this vessel was rather painful. Yet, pain is good. Of course, you're welcome to debate that with me all you want, but you'd never be able to convince me otherwise. Mind you, this will only relate to me. Pain inflicted on me is good, when it's pain inflicted on others, it will depend on the person the pain is being inflicted on. If you hurt me, fine. I will retaliate as I will. If you hurt someone I care about, I will not hold back.

Jealousy is a powerful thing. It makes us do things we wouldn't ever consider doing otherwise. It pushes us in directions that we try not to go in, but end up going down anyways. It will grab the reins before you know it and not let you go. One has to take things like that into account when dealing with situations that prompt a certain reaction.

Every time I talk to my mom now, all we do is scream at each other. She bitches about how I'm not the son she wants me to be and how I don't do whatever she says, I tell her to go fuck off. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to stand it here. All I know, once I move out, they will be stricken from my life and I will never have anything to do with them ever again. You say you want to know the beast within, yet can't stand to be burned. What then? What do you do then when the beast will simpy devour you whole?