Tuesday, February 22, 2005

and when the night falls in around me, and I don't think I'll make it through...

2 days in a row. There must be something really wrong with my head if I'm posting two days in a row, but nonetheless, here I post anyways. It's been quite some time since I've been able to organize my thoughts into something coherent, in fact, as I write, my mind is trying to make heads and tails out of everything. But alas, they still don't make sense. I've been quieter than I already am normally and I assure you it's not for lack of things to say. Rather, lack of ability to sort them out into something that makes sense at the moment.

To say the past few weeks have been rough is an understatement. I'm still in the stage of detox at the moment, although the alcohol is mostly out of my bloodstream now. Putting both it, and then a large quantity of caffeine into my system was not a smart idea. Whatever. You do what you have to do and you live with your decisions. Don't worry, I'm not going to rant about how things have been in my life. I've done more than enough of that over the past few months and I feel you all deserve a break from listening to me rant. Ironically, having said that, I'm writing in my blog. Oh the ironies and hypocrisies of humans.

I realize I can be rather vague with my answers on anything. However, one must understand what another has gone through and has put up with throughout the weeks, months and years. Yet people will continue to be trapped in their small worlds completely oblivious to what happens around them. My mind is a pesscimistic one. It will take any situation and determine the worst of each and then presume that is the case. It's very difficult to try to break that habit. All things in time. I'm getting better about it all, maybe, or I was, am I still? I don't know. Only the next few weeks will tell.

Perhaps I'm not improving. Perhaps I'm simply regressing to the beast within. The rage, the anger, uncontrolled and untamed. I don't even know if anyone will read this, or if they do, I don't know if anyone cares. I'm sure there are people who want me to just drop off the face of the earth, and some who don't. If you wanted me to just vanish, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm here to stay.

It is the burden of the beast to watch as things happen as they will, to not do a thing about them until it is directly affected. As the days pass, I feel myself losing touch more and more. I find myself staring him in the eyes, watching and waiting for the final barrier to fall. He guards his domain carefully, watching and waiting for the final barrier to fall. They're all there waiting. The demon, the hunter, and the lost.

He sits on his throne, the hunter by his side, eyes glaring straight ahead as they wait. What they wait for? I don't know. Maybe they will tell me someday. They haven't so far, and I presume that they have their reasons for revealing what they choose to and hiding what they don't.

Pushing for the final cut, salt to sting the wounds. I'm getting ever closer to the edge, and beyond that, nothing.



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