Sunday, January 02, 2005

I'm getting annoyed at trying to title these

I oftentimes wonder how long I can keep the facade up for. I wonder how long this solid stone image will hold up before I get sick of not letting it drop and finally just let it go, to let loose the beast within to shed the blood of 20 years of hatred and pain. What else would you expect? I'm not some happy-go-lucky-everybody-loving fuckhead. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I suppose the term "hate monger" would be somewhat accurate in describing my disposition, but nonetheless, if people still haven't been able to figure it out, I won't go out of my way to point it out. Funny how people still think I'm doing alright and that nothing's wrong with me, they'll be glad they don't live my life.

Time and time again, I've shown that I'm not, and my lyrics aren't ever "just" lyrics, but still, people seem to think otherwise. It's funny how you can tell someone something straight up and they always think you mean something else with it. May you'll try to tell me that there's something wrong with me, maybe you'll want to tell me specifically what's wrong with me instead, then by all means, go right ahead. I'm not going to stop you either way, so feel free to do as you will. Do to me as you see fit, regardless of what it is and whether or not I "deserve" it. They say there's always push and pull in everything, and if there was no initial pull to the push, then it will all come back at once later.

Why should I bother trying to stay in control of myself? Should I try to read everybody's mind and try to figure out what exactly it is that they want and do it without them asking? It's been expected of me time and time again, so should I not, on some level, feel compelled to do it? To be honest, there once was a time when I would've said yes, but now, I'm far too tired and scarred to want to try to anticipate the expectations. In fact, I don't even care enough to fulfill people's expectations of me. If me trying isn't good enough, then obviously, the result isn't either. Why should I try so hard for everybody when no one ever appreciates whatever it is that I do? If I should spill every drop of blood in me, would it be enough to satisfy everybody?
Who would be happy? Who wouldn't? Who still even reads this? It's not as if my thoughts matter all that much anyways. So I could keep it all to myself, or I could post it where people can read it. Obviously, I've opted for the latter, perhaps to keep it from eating me up even more than it already does.

I don't like posting my daily or weekly activities. Why? I don't feel it's relevant. One could argue all day how it is or isn't relevant, the bottom line is that it doesn't matter when I'm spewing random shit out from my brain. Or perhaps it isn't so random. Depends who you ask I suppose.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright is either a daring adventure or nothing."
- Hellen Keller

I know, I'm random with my thoughts. Whatever, doesn't matter, a thought is a thought. Am I expected to apologize for thinking now? Or should I keep that to myself too? What do you people exactly want from me? Tell me your every expectation and what you think of me. I'd rather know exactly than not.



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