Wednesday, December 29, 2004

There's not one thing...

I feel like right about now is a good time to make another post. Actually it probably isn't, but hey, what do I know about good ideas at the right time huh? I've spent the past few days having to be surrounded by these huge groups of people known as "shoppers", or, as I like to call them "dead when I finally lose control". I'm not agoraphobic. I don't have Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm not claustraphobic. In fact, it's none of the above, it's related, but not at the same time. Being amidst the shoppers, dealing with more people than I have to, drives me just a little bit insane. In fact, I'd say that it drives me almost to the brink of insanity. Everyday, it gets harder and harder to stop myself from snapping and ripping everything to shreds. I don't mean material objects. I mean anybody who happens to get in my way too. If those people happen to be 50 bystanders who have done nothing rather than be "there", so be it.

I've kept everything in control for so long, I can't stand it anymore. Why the fuck should I even bother? I keep trying at the point where most people stop. So why should I push myself to the brink of extinction trying so hard for a race that doesn't know the meaning of the word? Yes, I am talking about the human race. Why should I be the one to keep pushing, keep trying, fighting to keep every single ounce of rage in check, when really, all I want to do is mass slaughter millions and soak my hands in their blood? Yes, I'm pissed off. No, I haven't calmed down yet. Maybe I could drink it away. How does one drink one's anger away when one is an angry drunk? You don't, that's how. So I won't do that. Do I snarl for no reason? No. Why should I take my frustrations out on those who don't deserve it? Much more fun to take it out on myself and let it chew away at me. Nobody sees that way. Nobody who doesn't deserve to have the anger thrust upon them doesn't have to deal with it that way either.

I've been fuming for the better part of the day. This is not surprising, I'm not calm either. This bothers me. Not being in complete control of myself and not being calm. Why? I don't know, maybe one of these days I'll find a real answer to that question. Impressive, the cuts on my shoulder from however long ago did end up scarring. Lead this, lead that, do this, do that. I'm going to lead what I want, when I want, when I fucking well feel like it. Feel so caged in by everything and if the world and everybody is indeed conspiring to bring me down, then I'll fight it until they are no more, and left as nothing but bloody pools at my feet.

Nobody knows just how much I keep inside. People keep telling me that "they've had it up to here with me", when really, I've been putting up with their shit for far longer without saying a single thing. So who is it that really has more tolerance and patience?

I can't seem to decide on a playlist for my mp3 player, everytime I finalize it, I change it again. I think I'll leave it as is, reflects my mood perfectly, has some damageplan, sevendust, stabbing westward, papa roach, silverchair, shinedown, finger eleven, and probably something I'm forgetting, 24 total songs. I'm very angry that I didn't manage to get any new CDs today, the only thing in that whole fucking outlet mall I was interested in, and I didn't get anything. Whatever, I'll grab something when I find something I want. One of these days, I might be branded menace to society and locked away by a psychiatrist or something.



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