Thursday, January 06, 2005

I never said I was worth it, just difficult.

And people wonder why I don't like complaining. Time and time again, the few times I see fit to complain, people get on my case for complaining. Even if I'm not complaining and am just slightly irked by something, then it's assumed to be complaining. No pain, no gain; such has always been the case. Obviously, since no one wants to hear them, I shall keep my "complaints" to myself. Instead of "complaining" about life, I shall simply post my thoughts then. I know fucking well that's not healthy for me. Right about now, I don't give a fuck either. I'm great at posting when I'm pissed off, it seems to trigger my mind, gives me fuel to add to the fire always. Not that there isn't enough to fuel the fire already, but I figure that a little more wouldn't hurt.

Everyday, my contempt for human life grows. It would be fun to just simply lose control. I could see myself doing that and shedding much blood. People are so slow. Not that this is anything new to me, in fact, it's something that living in Toronto has gotten me used to. Lots of people who meander and look around aimlessly trying to figure out where to go while standing in the middle of the top of a crowded stairway during rush hour. But wait, me saying people are slow will be taken as a complaint, so I must rephrase that slightly. The average person is a moron who deserves to die because of the fact that he or she is a slow and stupid fuckhead. There, it is no longer a "complaint", but a statement of fact as I perceive it about people. I don't think I have ever retorted to a complaint from another without very good grounds for it. But obviously, the way I say whatever it is that I'm trying to say isn't good enough to be said as I am prone to say it, so I must come up with different manners of expressing the thoughts in my mind instead.

My day? Good question. What a pointless waste of time it was. Find out that this mornings class is a lab instead of a lecture, good to know that now instead of having it on our schedule, great work there Ryerson. Yes, there was panic for no reason this morning, hence the first class today was cancelled because we don't have labs in the first week of classes. Only other class today was from 2-3, Introduction to Computational Theory. The math of computers basically. Did some basics, such as how a string is simply a concatenation of ASCII characters, and how the NULL character does not altar a string or set. Ironically, the prerequisite for this class was Discreet Mathematics and the part of that class that is the review for this one is the section that we spent the least time on. Set theory, fantastic, I can hardly wait. Yes, that was noted sarcasm, although you may not be able to detect it in my voice at the moment seeing as how you would be reading this and not hearing the thoughts as they go through my mind. Perhaps the sarcasm can be noted in the way I write, perhaps not, I will never know since when I read what I write, I read it as I know my mind would say it at me.

Trying to learn the words to "Hold At All Costs" is proving more difficult than I first thought, Perhaps it is because I'm not really focused. No big deal, I'll learn them eventually. I have to say that I like the orchestral aspect to the Gettysburg Trio on "The Glorious Burden", the way the songs are put together is nice. But then again, I like how most Iced Earth songs are put together orchestrally and lyrically. I'll eventually learn these songs like I have all the rest, it just might take a bit longer. Perhaps I should focus more on learning these songs than letting my mind do it's thing. That might help. Except since I'm obviously not capable of quietting my mind at the moment, I shall let it do it's thing instead, since that is probably healthiest for it at the moment.

Or not, as the case may be. Regardless of whether or not it's good for me, that's what my mind feels like doing at the moment, soI shall let it ramble and write on. I need to get myself a shooting range at some point. It would be nice to be able to squeeze off a few rounds when I feel the need to. Yes, I realize I have a lot of issues and problems. Frankly, that's fine with me. Actions speak louder than words. Why did I just delete that paragraph? I don't know. I think because I'm getting sick and tired of all this shit. I help? I help piss you off. That's what I do. That's what I always do, I go around pissing people off because they take offense to the way I am, the way I choose to present myself, the way I choose to think, the things I say, the things I do. Obviously, I'm not good enough for anybody, so perhaps it may be best if I just went and faded away once again.

I never said I was worth it, just that I was difficult.

no matter how much you scream and tear at me, I will always love you. If I've done something wrong, then just tell me what it is so I can try to make it right


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