Tuesday, January 25, 2005

And the beast screams from the inside...

Even longer since my last post than my previous one before that. Had the ultrasound on my stomach yesterday, they didn't find anything wrong with the stomach from the ultrasound, but they wanted to do some more tests anyways, so now I have to wait a month for those results again, damned things. I swear, having to constantly book and re-book appointments at the hospital is annoying, they always pick the worst times for everything and then change things at the last possible minute. Yes, changing the ultrasound sound time from 1:30 to 9 was something I really wanted, instead of being able to sleep for that extra 2 hours, I had to get up early and go to the hospital. On the flip side, instead of waiting absurdly long lines for everything to finish, I was out of there in about 2 hours after running around to different floors over and over. Any later, and I think I would've had to wait for 5 hours for everything to be done because of lines. Atleast it was getting multiple tasks out of the way at once. Booked an appointment with the psychiatrist for this Thursday at 10:45 (I know, I have to wake up again, the horror), that's one of the good things about being so close to the hospital at any given point in time, I can always run up there to make appointments instead of having to use the phone. I hate phones, they're so impersonal, but they have their uses so it's fine.

It's not only been a while since I've posted here, but it's been a while since I've written anything in my book and it's been a while since written a song. The words are there, but the music isn't. So now I write, I can't say all the things that've been on my mind anyways, so why not? I can atleast put some of it on paper instead of letting it stay inside. The eyes are everywhere, but right now, I just don't give a fuck. They can glare at me all they want, it doesn't matter to me at the moment. Nobody will ever understand the scars. It's not like they ever stay closed. Every scar opens at some point and someone is always holding the salt shaker. Yes I'm bitter. So big fucking deal. The more I write, the more I feel a song coming into my mind. The more I think about it, the more the music is coming to me. Maybe I'll write it if enough of it decides to let me know what it is.

I love how my stomach decides that if there's no contents in it to throw up, it will try to force itself up my throat and out my body instead. That would be a rather amusing sight, a person with a stomach dangling from their mouth while it's still attached to them. The mental image is rather fun, I should try it out something and see what it really looks like. As I continue to reflect on what's happened since I last posted or wrote something, the more I realize that it will only be a matter of time before the insanity takes over. It has already begun and only time will tell when it is complete. The greater the pain, the closer it feels. The better it feels. Ecstacy in suffering, pleasure from pain. Take all your anger out on me, make me bleed. Rape me, kiss me, kill me.



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