Thursday, May 26, 2005

Anime North!

Leaving for Anime North in a few hours, back Sunday afternoon/evening.


Saturday, May 14, 2005

Inside my shell I wait and bleed

Sometimes the smallest things are the ones that mean the most, sometimes those little things are the things that make or break you. People always take that for granted. They always take for granted that all those things that it is all the small things that make up the whole, not the other way around. So yeah, while it may seem like all those small things are insubstantial and insignificant, au contraire, they are the most important, as the bigger picture does not exist without its parts. The things that people never mention are the things that have the biggest effect. Every hit, every scream, every little thing that people take for granted so often are the things that make up the entire person.

As I sit here, day in and day out, watching the days go by, I can't help but wonder what changed. I mean, some people might say nothing's changed, some people might say everything's changed. So which is it? Is there a definitive answer for one or the other? Is it even a legitimate question or just another brick in the wall so to speak? Who knows. Any and all of it could be true, or false as the case may be. While food is useful, eating only seems to make my body react even worse to it. Time and time again, I sit around and eat only to almost throw it all up right after I finish it. Stress doesn't help. Now that school is done, all it does is open up a can of worms. There is no reprieve, not yet anyways. Soon. Hopefully.

Confession just started playing, it's by Cold and off the Thirteen ways to bleed on stage album. So my taste in music may not make sense to the average person, but it makes sense to some people, and it sure as hell makes sense to me, so all of you who think I'm listening to the "wrong" "type" of music, fuck you. What about the music I write? It's a bit of everying I listen to. There's no single type of music that I write, I write what I write, whatever comes to mind, whatever presents itself to me as a song. I will write what I write, and simply put, if you think you can stop me from doing so, you're sadly mistaken. Now it's playing I must be dreaming by Evanescence. See? It's all similar, but not quite the same. Either way, I like the songs.

Finished painting Celestine today. Spent about 8 and a half hours on it, but it's done now and well worth the effort. If I could post a picture here, I would just because it's been requested, but since I can't, I'll just try to briefly describe her. Mithril Silver for the shoulder pads, boots, gauntlets and body plate. I tried to make it seem like she was wearing black clothing underneath the armour to give it a chainmail-ish effect. Used blue for the cloak, red for the tabard and gold to do all the imperium symbols. The cherubs holding up her cloak are white and she has a goldish halo (I know, it's gold, but it suits the character). Anyways, the effect I was trying to get was the whole knight-templar effect, and I think it works pretty well with the design of the model. But yes, the 8 and a half hours was definitely worth it. Having the base coat done already really helped as I didn't have to wait half an hour for the base coat to dry. Now to finish the Grey Knights. I'm going to be going for the whole deal, the entire medieval theme. Ok, now I really wanna get the digital camera working so I can take a picture of the finished model. While I'm not used to the light colour scheme, it works really well with the model.

I'm going to stop ranting for now, I don't think it's doing my mental state any favours. The scar that cuts closest to the surface is the one that is never seen.

....Wait and bleed just started playing.


Thursday, May 12, 2005

Well, Fuck.

erm: Winter 2005 Academic Standing: Suspended

I hate that. Manage to pull out passes in 2 classes I was likely to fail and still get suspended. Bleh. Looks like it's time to appeal. Fun. I figured I'd have to appeal, but I thought it'd be for a failed course, not for not making the GPA.


Ok then. Fine. Fucking fine.

I don't know, considering that I was looking at failing 2 exams and potentially failing 3 courses, somehow managed to pass all of 'em, I think I did pretty fucking well all things considered. Meh. Whatever. We'll probably do the appeal and see what happens, but first things first, a suitable course of action must be decided and then taken from there.

No. I won't do anything that detrimental to my health, although it seems like my stomach has other ideas about that. I should get the results from that soon. Hopefully it isn't anything too serious, or it could be and then we'll see what happens from there. If it isn't anything too serious, I'll probably just keep taking antacids or something until they figure out what it is. Doctors are so useless sometimes, but that's expected. Speaking of stomachs, I should probably eat. Seems like a good idea and seeing as how it's protesting as is, probably would be a good idea to feed it something. What do I eat though? I don't know. Whatever, chicken it is. Nice and simple. Put it in the microwave and zap it for 3 minutes, yay leftovers.

Listening to Stabbing Westward, Disturbed, Linkin Park and Sevendust all morning probably haven't been helping my mental state, but I just simply don't care at the moment. Everything is just pissing me off more and more. Oh wait, there's Tonic and 3 Doors Down. Meh. So what do you do when everyone's left you for dead? I already know what I'd do.


Sunday, May 01, 2005

untitled posts, yay

Why do I continue to do this to myself? Listen to songs that I know will depress me even more that is. I suppose it's one of the things I do well. Songs that I've never had much of a good reaction to listening to, songs that bring back unwanted memories, songs that have marked points in my life that haven't been exactly pleasant. Any and all of it. Everything has some significance in some way, everything has had some impact in one way or the other, most of which people would never realize or see, or even hope to be able to understand. Something tied to a time and location, an event, anything of the sort that has some significance in someway or the other. I don't expect anyone to understand.

Every muscle in my body aches. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know what I'm doing that's so bad to it that it refuses to behave properly. Hell, I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me anymore. Whatever. All things in time. I've been working on touching up my resume, it's almost finished. I'm going to end up dropping off resumes everywhere, gonna hopefully be able to get a job soon enough, gonna head downtown to drop them off tomorrow. Why downtown? Why work so far when I could just work at say...fairview? If indeed I'm taking summer courses, it just makes more sense. Sense is overrated. Whatever. Sooner I get a job and enough money, sooner I can move out, sooner I can work on doing things that I need to do for myself that I can't do at the moment.

Nickleback....that's when you know something's really wrong.