.....

Oh, the joys of dealing with family based shit. I'm thoroughly sick and tired of trying to pretend and put up with my parents. All the lying, all the criticizing, all the unspoken expectations, I hate them all. Hatehatehatehatehate. I'm so tired of it all, I'm so tired I can't even pretend not to be tired. It's not even a case of caring or not caring anymore, so much shit to put up with, so much fucking bullshit to put up with that I don't give a damn what happens.

What prompted that rant? My dad's going to be back today. I know damn well what's going to happen. They're going to criticize and bitch and whine and moan about everything I do for the entirety of the 2 or however many weeks he's here for. I hope they go on vacation and leave the house to myself, I don't want to see either of them. I wish they would just leave me alone already. I'm ranting and I haven't seen him yet. Am I really harbouring that much hate? that much contempt? Perhaps. I don't know for certain, what I do know for certain is that I hate them because they're so...set in their ways. I refuse to conform to so-and-so a tradition or so-and-so a lifestyle just because they want me to. It pisses me off to no extent when they act so self-righteous about being pain in the asses about everything and all the unspoken expectations of doing this and that, and being this and that.

I think even my playlist agrees with me, its played the following songs in a row:
Simple Plan - Perfect
Hoobastank - Remember Me
Three Days Grace - I hate everything about you
Godsmack - Whatever
Linkin Park - One Step Closer
Fear Factory - Strain vs. Resistance

I love my playlist. Its so good at matching my moods and rants. The long days and hours spent composing are not lost on me either. I think I'm getting better at making statements with my music which is always a plus. I'd prefer not writing music that's hollow and meaningless. I suppose that's what I'm going to be doing even more of since I can't stand spending time with my parents and I'm going to be expected to. Whatever. I'll survive. Which reminds me I need to sumit the CST form sometime soon. I suppose I'll just do that this week to spend less time with them.

Here's another song:


Excess Baggage


Bogged down, by the weight
Of a hundred million thing I should have said
Instead of saying nothing
Instead of leaving you to guess
The things that hide within my body and mind
You don't deserve it
The pain from secrets kept inside

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Watching, waiting
For this pain inside my head and chest to fade
Until it's all but nothing
Until there's nothing left to guess
And leave it all out on the table today
You don't deserve it
The pain from secrets kept away

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Unresolved, all the issues from the past
Unresolved, all the pain that courses through these veins
You don't deserve it...

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Bogged down, by the weight
Of a hundred million things I should have said
Instead of saying noting
Instead of leaving you to guess

Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
You shouldn't have to deal with the excess baggage
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
When even words betray me now

Coundn't figure out which words you want to hear
Can't think of what to do from behind the screen
When evenwords betray me now
Trying to tell you all the things you want to know
Trying to figure out which song I have to sing
Couldn't tell you all the things you don't know
Can't think of the words I have to say
When even words betray me now



There. I have often said that music is my only form of expression. Perhaps that's because I can think of how I want to say things before I say them that way. Which means that it will usually take me 2 or 3 days to say something because I can't figure out just what it is that I want to say or what it is that I have to say (and I'm sorry if that upsets you...), but everyone has to communicate one way or the other. I think my music says it all, and anyone that can't think enough to understand one of the many ways its possible to take each song doesn't deserve having one way explained to them. Its one thing to be "smart" at memorizing all that classroom shit they throw at you in high school. A 99.9% average doesn't mean jack shit if you got it by memorizing.

I have never envied those people who got 99% averags doing maths and sciences. Ever. Science is not my strong point, it never has been. I'm good at some maths, horrible at others. Everyone's the same. My strengths lie elsewhere. I'm a writer, singer, listener and thinker. I hate maths, I hate sciences, I hate anything that's closed minded and without freedom of thought, or freedom of expression. Perhaps thats why I hate it so much at home.

Time for a change? yes. Is it feasible? not yet....



~Damon

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cause we lost it all
Nothing last forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect....



yeah, I know...but its just so fitting...