miaow?

Well, finally something to write (rather, its more like I had stuff to write, but I couldn't really think of how to write them so I didn't). So anyways, saw farenheit 9/11 the other day, and I must say that it's quite interesting some of the things that they didn't want people to know, and osme of the things that people should've known, but weren't informed about. Anyways, good documentary/movie thing, worth the price of admission, I would highly recommend it. On that note, with the trailers, I now have to see not only Arthur, but when that Metallica documentary comes out, I will have to see that too.

So I finally get to do something about my probation contract, finally...(almost typed horrorshow there, guess it was obvious what I was doing while huh?) so hopefully, get that ironed out and then I'll be ok for september.

Horrorshow qualifier was intense, tanking 150dr thieves without sanc is fun...not really, it hurts like a bitch, but that's expected. Redressed raevyn evil, that was fun...need another ring, garland and nasr and he'll be at 1650+ hp, so that should be useful once I can get the eq for it. (I hate killing small stupid mobs for eq that I thought I would never use...annoys me to no end: hades? red dragon? ugh!)

I find myself playing more and more chrono trigger. I'm now at the subquests after saving chrono and it took 2 days to get to....I think I'll just work on the characters a bit before really doing much, wanna see if I can completely max out magus' stats. Modified some decks, they'll need some work but in time.

Anyways, my thoughts are a jumbled mess and far too complicated to put down at the moment so I won't for now.

What have I become?

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test



And I finished another song too, not much else to really say, things have been pretty confusing lately so I best reserve judgement on my thoughts until I get some time to figure out what they are. For now, here's another song (I tried recording myself while I sing this song, I sound horrible recorded IMO):



What Have I become?


Staring into the mirror
I don't know what I see
A monster or an angel
Watch him turn his back on me
Don't know if I can recognize
Myself through all the lies
Is it really me I'm looking at
Right now through jaded eyes

And I -
Don't know what to say
To stop lying to myself
Don't know what to do...

I don't know what I've become
Don't know what I've done
Don't know what to say
Don't know how to be
All the consequences paid
When everything is said and done
Who am I?
And what have I become?

Searching for the answers
To the questions that I seek
How was I like? How did I change?
Forever haunting me
Did all the mistakes that I make
Add up to what I am now?
Hidden by reality
Am I nothing but a lie?

And I -
Don't know what to say
To stop lying to myself
Don't know what to do...

I don't know what I've become
Don't know what I've done
Don't know what to say
Don't know how to be
All the consequences paid
When everything is said and done
Who am I?
And what have I become?

Looking for myself
I don't know what's left behind
Tear away the mask
And see the emptiness inside
Don't know what I am
Find the things I left behind...

And I -
Don't know what to say
To stop lying to myself
Don't know what to do...

Can't tell where I am now
A beginning or an end
Lost within translation
Identity escapes me yet

And I -
Don't know what to say
To stop lying to myself
Don't know how to be...

I don't know what I've become
Don't know what I've done
Don't know what to say
Don't know how to be
All the consequences paid
When everything is said and done

I don't know what I've become
Don't know what I've done
Don't know what to say
Don't know how to be
All the consequences paid
When everything is said and done
Who am I?
And what have I become?



Don't really know what else to say at the moment, I've been at a loss for words outside of my music lately.

Scratching Post

Ok, so I don't really have anything I want to write at the moment until I figure out what's happening with all these tests and exams, so I'll just put down a song I wrote:


Scratching Post


Black as the blood flowing from my veins
Slide the silver from my flesha nd watch the carpet stain
Roaring down like a waterfall, watch me bleed
Then turn around and try to tell me what it is that I need

Red are my eyes that have seen too many days
Filled with hatred and of one too many undying phases
And though I know I will live to see atleast one million more
Wear these scars like trophy mantles, let them help me to keep score

I promised I would never fall again (no matter how much it hurt)
I promised I would never lie (and forever now I will)
Keep the promises I said I would
And line up everything and catch them by the horns

White are the teeth that have spoke their lies
Watch their venom slowly spread across untarnished skies
Infesting the wounds that have cut so deep
Watch me burn, watch me bleed while the poison sleeps

Green is the colour of the great succession
Brought by jealousy and greed and by deep recession
To the scratching post that everyone will need someday
But when the pain courses through, hold your ground don't runaway

I promised I would never fall again (no matter how much it hurt)
I promised I would never lie (and forever now I will)
Keep the promises I said I would
And line up everything and catch them by the horns

And I'm -
Nothing but angry,
For letting me get this way
Nothing but blind,
To all the things that they say
Nothing no more,
Just a scratching post again
Nothing no more...

I promised I would never fall again (no matter how much it hurt)
I promised I would never lie (and forever now I will)
Keep the promises I said I would
And line up everything and catch them by the horns

Grey as the stone that has become my life
Never blinding, never changing, always cold like a knife
Glaring down from the pedestal, watch them kneel
Then strike them down so they finally figure out just how it feels

I promised I would never fall again (no matter how much it hurt)
I promised I would never lie (and forever now I will)
Keep the promises I said I would
And line up everything...
Line them up again!

I promised I would never fall again (and forever now I will)
I promised I would never life (no matter how much it hurts)
Keep the promises I said I would
And line up everything and catch them by the horns

I promised I would never lie again (no matter the cost to me)
Keep thep romises I said I would
And line up everything and catch them by the horns

I'll keep the promises I said I would
And line up everything and catch them by the horns
Lineup everything and catch them by the horns

To be a scratching post




There. Strange huh?

MRI scans and 5th dawn, what a....

Yay for hour long MRI scans? Ok, so it wasn't quite an hour, but including waiting and everything, it was. The scan itself took about 20 minutes, but there was a 15 minute wait in the reception room, followed by a 5 minute questions thing, a 10 minute wait, getting some radioactive material injected into myself, followed by another 10 minute wait before the actual MRI scan. Then there was 5 minutes prepping for the MRI. My shoulder's still sore, part of the head/neck support was digging into my shoulder the entire time the scan was taking place, and I couldn't move for the 20 minutes while the scan was going on. Suffice to say, my neck and shoulders were complaining very violently. Oh well, I should have results in sometime next week so here's to hoping for nothing major eh?

I finally caught up with my email, replied to a bunch of emails that I was meaning to reply to, but never got around to for various reasons (3 weeks of backlogged emails to reply to). I must say, everything over the past few weeks is finally sinking in so I suppose my non-enthusiasm and lack of emotion can be attributed to that. It finally hit me that I actually got through the semester and am still on probation as opposed to suspension so that's probably a good thing.

It just occured to me that I've been listening to "Someday" by Nickleback for about 4 hours today now. I'm not obsessed with the song, I'm not obsessed with the song...ok, maybe I am just a little..just a little.

Picked up a few packs of 5th Dawn today, nothing really interesting, although there's a funky combo you can use if you pull it off: Blasting Station, Some random creature that gives affinity to all your ACs, and 2 myr retrievers. Infinite damage, kinda funny if you can pull it off, no one would ever expect it, it'd be kinda fun. All the new artifacts that untap when an comes into play are all very abusable. And 2 eternal witnesses, whee! I love the artwork on her.

Oh well, that's all for now, can't think of much to say.

a post without a topic

Ah, how we miss the days of yore, when we didn't have any cares in the world to speak of. One's age when he or she is still at that stage of said individual's life is obviously going to vary from person to person, but it really makes you think about how much people change over the years due to various circumstances and situations. I'm running seth again as I write this, I decided to sleep in a bit, so slightly not awake yet, and onyx right off the bat too - it's a very nice wake up call, especially if one wants to be productive for the rest of the day.

I realize I'm referring myself in the 3rd person, but at times, it seems vaguely appropriate, especially if I'm not all there quite yet. My head feels vaguely tight, perhaps it is time to get it checked in detail this time. Better to not take chances in this case huh? Probably.

Perhaps I'll go sometime this afternoon, depends which doctor is in I suppose. Bah, the doctor's not in today, back monday, I'll probably have to wait until monday, unless it gets really bad over the weekend. Actually, I should probably just make an appointment with whatever doctor is in and just go get it checked out. Ok, so now I have a doctor's appointment a bit later today. Not seeing Dr. Mah like I usually do but Dr. Hui this time because Dr. Mah isn't in. Meh, I just want to figure out what the hell is wrong with my head.

Fuck, I wish my parents would just leave me alone already. Fucking pricks, do they not understand the meaning of the words "Go away"? They say they worry...they worry I won't live up to the family name? They worry that I won't turn out to be some famous person in so and so field of their choosing? They say they don't pry into affairs, but for people who don't pry into others affairs, they sure do like to keep asking even when I tell them to leave me alone or to just get the fuck away from me. So much stress from other things already, and all they ever do is make things worse...always, so now I apparently have to go see the dentist monday at 11:30 because they're being fucking assholes about everything again, as always.

And seth falls again. Yay. Ok, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, seth is a mob (something to fight) on Realms of Despair, a MUD. A run is a basically a bunch of people killing a mob.

Fuck, my head feels too tight for its skull....that's generally not a good thing, I suppose its a good idea I'm seeing a doctor then. Its on/off too, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

hrm!

Just another usual morning, well, almost...its a thursday morning, and I'm not running seth because Josh is coming over relatively early today, and depending on whether or not I see Amy tonight, I may or may not be running seth tonight too. Ok, maybe I am running seth this morning, but just for a kill.

wow, long kill, looks like I have to leave right after this kill. In that case, off we go.

You know you're tired when....

You start hallucinating bits of conversation and you pass out at the keyboard shortly thereafter. Yes, I was exhausted, I don't think I'm much better this morning, but anymore sleep and I'm going to have a headache for the rest of the day. (I'm sorry Amy, I didn't mean to just vanish...I was just so tired, and I didn't want to worry you. Maybe I worried you more or upset you instead...I don't know, but I'm so sorry...)

Hrm...now the laptop's acting funny....its been doing this lately, its very annoying, and also very bothersome, I'd rather not have to replace the HD on the laptop, it'd be quite a pain in the ass seeing as how I have a LOT of documents on there and programs and files that I can't lose.

...hrm...maybe its just winamp, I don't know....now its acting fine again now that winamp closed. Perhaps I'll just leave winamp and not use it for now. Having a conversation about merlin daggers and mages first thing in them morning, I swear, I must be seriously messed in the head.

I really have to get back in tune with my email, I've been neglecting responding to emails for about 2 weeks now and I really really should respond to them so people don't think I'm dead or something like that.

I need a coffee, first thing in the morning, and I haven't had my coffee...I imagine I must seem even more cranky than I have in the past week days (silent rage eh? all it ever does is bubble and boil until it either burns itself out or I just release it, and I can't do the latter....it just doesn't work, and never works out well). I find myself going through a slightly older song I wrote, hard to believe that the last song I wrote before "peer pressure" was "fragile" and that was written on April 9th - 2 whole months, how did I go that long without composing? Oh well...anyways, I suppose I'll post it as well:

Fragile


Lost in the dark, of this day
I am blinded by the pain
In my head, lie away
Let the dreams desert me yet
Now that you're gone
Falling apart inside myself
Now that I'm lost
And scattered all around

I'm gone, I don't know where to go
Taking a part of me
I don't know where I am without you
Now, I don't know how to be
Dying inside again
I'm nothing but shattered dreams

Thoughts running wild, in my head
Never fading, never red
In my veins, time again
To release the nightmares now...
Now that you're gone
Falling apart inside myself
Now that I'm lost
And scattered all around

I'm gone, I don't know where to go
Taking a part of me
I don't know where I am without you
Now, I don't know how to be
Dying inside again
I'm nothing but shattered dreams

Now that you're gone
Falling apart inside myself
Now that I'm lost
And scattered all around

Crying in my mind, in my veins
Yet the tears they flow like sand
In the dark, of this day
I'll sleep forever...

I'm gone, I don't know where to go
Taking a part of me
I don't know where I am without you
Now, I don't know how to be
Dying inside again
I'm nothing but shattered dreams
(I'm gone)
I don't know where to go
Taking a part of me
I'm nothing but shattered dreams
(Now)
I don't know how to be
Dying inside again
I don't know where I am without you
I'm nothing but shattered dreams


Maybe I am fragile, a perfect facade, hiding nothing but an empty shell ready to crack and crumble at any time. I can't even tell anymore, its so hard to go day to day as is, and recent events haven't really helped. Meh, I'll survive, I have to don't I? I need to get my coffee first though, and I'm supposed to see the doctor later today, news to me. Since my cell phone is out of time as well, that's going to be another full day out, lets try to NOT burn myself out physically today eh? That might be a good idea. Damnit, my hand still hurts, maybe I need to do something that doesn't require my hands, but regardless coffee first.

mmmm...coffffffeeeeeeee. Coffee is good, actually, coffee is very good. I've been trying to cut back on it though, 2-3 cups a day, at the most, this from 10 cups a day during exam time is a pretty big jump. People tell me I should start a band or something, what I don't know is who in the world would want me as their lead singer? Like, am I even any good at it? I suppose I could try and let people make their own decisions.

Yesterday was ok, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, saw 2 uncles who I hadn't seen in a while, and went out for dinner. I was exhausted, but it wasn't bad, took 'em to centre island, Brian kept trying to chase ducks, I had to stop him.

Oh well, I think I've blattered on long enough, probably means I shouldn't huh? ok, time to concentrate on finishing my coffee or somtehing like that.


~Damon

yay, song finished

*Yawn* its first thing in the morning, and the first thing I do is finish this song...I'm a strange one alright, I suppose one can say that I won't have time to do it later, but that's always debatable.
I'm supposed to take my uncle and his family around the city today, gotta show them all the sights and sounds, they came up from L.A. and its been 11 years (?) since I last saw them, so this'll probably be interesting. Anyways, for lack of anywhere else to put this song for now, here's the completed song:


Peer Pressure


Control
Watch them take it all away
Expectations everyday
Selfish fuckers always
Feeding upon your flesh
Obligations set in stone
In this sea of fire known
Is there even any--
One left inside your mind...
For you to call your own?

Extinct
Is identify for sure?
All the same and nothing more
Listen close and watch them
Stripping you to the bone
Look around and you will see
That individuality
Doesn't mean a fucking --
Thing when its not your own...

Why can't you only be?
All that you are
Why can't you only be?
You're more than what they assume you are
Controlled, incomplete
To satisfy their needs
Can you see you disappear?

Deceit
In the mirror everyday
Can you even find a way
To look beyond their masks and
Tell yourself who you are
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
But this time you turn away
Can you even find a --
Way to think on your own?

Why can't you only be?
All that you are
Why can't you only be?
You're more than what they assume you are
Controlled, incomplete
To satisfy their needs
Can you see you disappear?

Wrapped in your sheepskin blanket
You see what it is they want you to see
Losing yourself
When they don't want to let you be...

Why can't you only be?
All that you are
Why can't you only be?
You're more than what they assume you are
Controlled, incomplete
To satisfy their needs...

Why can't you only be?
All that you are
(Why can't you only see?)
Why can't you only be?
You're more than what they assume you are
(Why can't you only see?)
Controlled, incomplete
To satisfy their needs
Can you see you disappear?
(Why can't you only see?)
All that you are
Why can't you only see?
You're more than what they assume you are
Controlled, incomplete
To satisfy their needs
Can you see you disappear?



Phew, there we go, its kinda long eh? Well, not really...and for reference, anything in () is meant to be sung at the same time as the line above it (yes, I know that there are better ways to do it, but I notate it like that). Anyways, atleast its done for now...
I suppose I should clarrify a few things from the big post on satruday...I realize that when I say Angela dresses like a slut, but is a beast, I meant in game terms (What do you think I meant, huh?!)....as for the satan thing, Amy suggested I quote her, so I will:
"None of this, however, relates to the subject line. Yes, my boyfriend is Satan. No, I'm not a religious fanatic. I took a quiz online, it said I was "a Dark Angel, totally committed to Satan", therefore, my boyfriend must be Satan. I also happened to be eating/drinking a strawberry smoothie at the time. Someone remind me to buy whipped cream, more strawberries, and show Satan why they're my favourite foods."

So there, and now I will stop typing these long paragraphs as my hand is hurting and has been for a little bit now...mustnotplaymanamustnotplaymanamustnotplaymana....



~Damon

Killing time!

Yay, I am absolutely abysmal at pkill right now! Not only have I forgotten how to pursue, but I missed all my style changes, nor am I fleeing right! something tells me more practice is in order.

....

hrm, that didn't seem like it lasted only an hour, oh well...stupid forested arena, got jumped by deadlies part way through, damn mephie hits hard...she sucks, but she hits hard atleast, its a good exercise in tanking either way. Hrm, now the rangers want to go to badlands instead of forested, could be fun, but I think I'll stay away from PK the rest of the night and try to get some rest at some point.

I swear, I must seriously have issues or something....my team in SD3 is up to level 15...and I haven't even left the area outside tenkgar yet, 3 more levels until a class change....an hour or 2 a level...how bad is that? seriously..
oh well, atleast its a way to kill the time....

Still don't know what's going on the next 2 days yet, I suppose just waiting and seeing is the only way.


~Damon

blah

Ok, so its been your typical day (or not depending on how you define typical and how you define day); as far as I'm concerned, the pointless of the day thus far, as well as the pointlessness of what the rest of the day is shaping up to be, constitutes of a typical day.
Mana....manamanamanamanamanamana. Yes, I've been playing seiken densetsu 3 on my laptop all day, so my mind is kind of in a loop, manamanamana....just got Jinn, boss fight was a sinch, but I'm sure you'd already know that if you've played the game. Angela's a beast...she dresses like a slut, but she's a beast. Nothing look a good old fashioned spell casting and coin tossing spree to bring down a flying thing that refuses to stay on the ground to get hit eh? I'll probably end up levelling until I can class change charcters the first time, what a way to kill several hours of day.

Hrm, how silly can you be to lose a stool next to a frog? I suppose I have to go look for it now...bah, the ntr is too big...which reminds me, food's in the microwave, should probably go get that at some point. Yay for microwave pasta....atleast its bearable.

So nice outside, it'd probably make more sense to go out and do something rather than sit here all day listening to music and chatting on RoD or chatting on RoD and playing sd3, I could always read...don't feel like it right now, and I have to find a copy of the devil's notebook (anybody feel like helping me look?). I suppose I have to explain the name of the blog at some point...apparently, I'm satan, this was news to me, that's the way online quizes are huh? But if anyone can find anything written by Aleister Crowley or Anton LaVey, keep an eye out and let me know? which reminds me, order mars 3 and 4 from amazon.com at some point.

My playlist likes to misbehave or something, 6 iced earth songs in a row. Granted, I am not complaining in the least bit, but out of a list of about 800 songs, you'd figure it wouldn't do that. oh wait, now its on haven't gone away by econoline crush, must. change. song. ok, playing home isntead. I suppose on can say I'm obsessive eh? whatever, I like the song.

Have family from the states coming up to visit monday, so have to take them places around the city...that'll be fun, driving downtown, not my cup of tea, definitely not my cup of tea. But family is family huh? even if you don't think you have one eh? Time to put on the perfect mask again, gotta act like everything's alright, pretend to be happy, perfect mask.

Don't have much done on this song yet, just the first verse, still working on the chorus...the tune I'm using reminds me so much of anything by stone sour, meh, whatever, here's a tidbit:


Control
Watch them take it all away
Expectations everyday
Selfish fuckers always
Feeding upon your flesh
Obligations set in stone
In this sea of fire known
Is there even any--
one left inside your mind...
For you to call your own?


pretty crappy huh? its the first verse and the song's titled "Peer Pressure" - gotta love composing anything about teen angst huh? (On a sidenote, if you want some good music to fuck to, download anything by "lords of acid". What can I say, my mp3 list is random).

Oh well, running out of things to write, today's been boring. Hopefully, the next few days will be better to some extent. Depends what happens tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow huh? Maybe I'll get to see her tomorrow depending on how things work out, hopefully? Its been...24 hours? and I miss her so much already...

(maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't, but I love you Amy..)


And again with the post editing, ok, going back to mana (yeah, I suck, I know).

~Damon

Blog?

And so after all the prodding and poking, I have a blog. Ok, so it isn't much of a starting post, its a post for the sake of saying I have a blog, there's no other point to the post. And since its been a rough few weeks, I'll leave it at that for now.