You know, I've sat here countless times, at my computer desk just writing. Whether it be in my notebook, on here, or just on a scrap piece of paper. What do I write about? I never really know until I do it. I sit here and I just spill out the contents of my mind as they come to my fingers and as long as my fingers are capable of typing. So what's happening today? Work. Workworkworkworkwork. I sometimes sit here and wonder what would happen if there was an accident at work and I ended up in hospital. While it's not something I contemplate and endeavour to attain, it is a thought that crosses my mind. Who would know? Who would notice? Should I go missing for weeks and months on end, would it ever occur to anyone that something had happened? And what of "friends"? Who in this world can I call friend? For that matter, what in this world call I call a friend? Yet, why should any of that matter? So many questions, yet no answers for any of them. These are the musings of my mind. Yet, it doesn't matter does it? It doesn't matter what happens in my head because I am the only one truly privy to the exact nature of it.
I treat people I dislike the same way I treat people I do at face value. Which is to say, it may be not possible to distinguish the difference. This is the front I put up, this is the front I lay down. Why is it so? Why not? Is there ever a reason for anything? Or nothing at all? And yet, in the end, does it truly matter if there is a reason or is not? We are our own worst critics. This much is true. Can we truly judge our own value? Can we judge our own value in the eyes of another or is there only one way to find the answer to that? Call my ramblings anything you wish. Ramblings by any other name are still ramblings and that is something I do. Loved, hated, blocked, ignored, indifferent. Whatever it is. What happens to me from here on is simply a case of being. A state of life. Whether that life be in this chair, in a mental ward, in the hospital, in the grave. I am alive, I am not well. The sickness is spreading and life ticks away.
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